


Foam

by CatelynJones



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cutting, Depression, Gen, Graphic Description, Keith has grown as a person, Lance (Voltron) Whump, M/M, Medical Procedures, Nightmares, Pidge is a little shit, Pidge is not soft and over emotional either, Post-Season/Series 06, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Team as Family, Traumatic Injury, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-06-15 02:17:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15402771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CatelynJones/pseuds/CatelynJones
Summary: Lance has a mission end badly and tries very hard to deal with the emotional fallout.He does not do it well.When his shitty coping mechanisms are laid bare by a mandatory scan, the team closes around him in the way a family should





	1. Blood

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Langst Prompts](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14256768) by [sparkle__bitch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkle__bitch/pseuds/sparkle__bitch). 



> This is inspired in part by chapter 56 of Lansgt Prompts by prince_yoongi, and in part by a horrific night I had on call.  
> I'll let you work out which is which
> 
> As with all fics, heed the tags, I'm aiming for feel good family fluff at the end, but we have to GET to the end for that.
> 
> I wrote myself into a corner in chapter 7, so I ended up going back and re-editing everything to change some things. If you are coming in to read the update, start again at the beginning. Sorry to much you all around!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Voltron has resurfaced following the destruction of the castleship and are immediately thrown back into the fight.
> 
> Chapter rewritten 9th Dec 2019

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for blood, injuries, panic attacks, self harm
> 
> Though honestly self harm and anxiety/panic attacks are going to be a reoccurring theme, so proceed with your eyes open loves.

It was in the final throes of the fight and Lance was running around the desert planet, trying to clear up the dregs of the would-be invaders when it happened. It was hot and dry and for once Lance was _glad_ for the full body armour that restricted his movement. At least it provided them with a constant supply of sand free air. Soolsania VIII was a _dust bowl_. All lance could see in any direction, was sand.

Well.. Sand, and violence.

The Galra had descended on Soolsania VIII moments after the paladins found each other following the final battle where the castle was destroyed. The inhabitants of the sandy planet, large goo-like creatures who called themselves the Gorgifils, were caught totally unprepared and the paladins had just enough time to figure out which way was up before launching into another fight.

The fight had been hard and long and Lance was about to call it finished when he spotted a Galra general stalking across the battlefield towards a huddled group of surviving gorgofil. The general stalk across the town square and kicked a tall Gorgifil in its midsection. The blow knocked it back several feet, but the Galra continued to stalk forward and continue his attack. He stomped down on the Gorgifil and Lance heard something crack. Running forward, Lance fired off a shot from his bayard, killing the general at near point blank range. The shot was perfect and the Galra crumpled immediately, falling heavily onto the paladin.

“Coran!!” Lance shouted into his comm, “I think we need some help down here!”

He rolled the Galra off of him and struggled to his feet. He made his way across to the gasping Gorgifil.

“Coran! I need some medical advice, I have a local who has been hurt. Are they meant to be green‽ I haven’t seen any others that have turned green!!”

Lance could almost hear Coran’s moustache twitch, “Errr, no. No, they should never be green. What’s happening down there?”

Lance took a deep breath and tried to actually think. “Ok, it got kicked hard in the... Ribs? Do they have ribs…? I don’t know. But it got kicked right in the middle. Now it’s gasping, its eyes are bugging out, and it’s going green.”

There was a pause, some quick tapping on a keyboard and then, “Ah ha! Yes, they DO have ribs! In fact, under the gooey outside is an oddly humanoid interior! Who would have thought that under all the obvious differences we are all so similar inside? I am very sure there is a lesson in there somewhe-”

“CORAN! Is now the time for this‽”

Coran coughed, “No, I suppose it isn’t.” Lance could hear him settle in his seat, “I think its gas exchange organ has been damaged. Can you hear it breathing?”

Lance raised an eyebrow, “I can literally hear it gasping for air, of COURSE I can hear it breathe!”

“Not that! I mean, if you put your ear in the goo, can you hear it?”

Lance paused, “Like… In, the goo?”

Coran rolled his eyes, “Yes Lance, in the goo.”

Lance sighed as he tried to tune out the muttering coming down the comm line. He took the helmet off and turned towards the Gorgafil, “I am so sorry, I assume this is something that is very personal in your culture, but the guy in the chair says I need to.”

The Gorgifil for its part actually rolled it’s many eyes and continued to gasp. Lance took this as permission to proceed.

Sticking the side of his head into the goo wasn’t nearly as horrid as expected, it almost tingled. “Ok, I can hear a sort of rasping sound? Is that the breathing?”

In his other ear, Coran continued to give advice, “Yes, yes, it is. Now listen in a couple of different spots around the floud, does it change anywhere?”

Biting his lip, Lance moved his head around awkwardly, totally unsure of what he was looking for until he hit one particularly green section where all the sound stopped.

“There seems to be a really quiet spot, is that what I am looking for?”

“Yes!” Coran whooped, “Looks like you got yourself your problem! Now we just have to fix it!”

Pulling his head out of the goo, Lance raised an eyebrow, “Don’t sound so excited, what am I meant to be doing? This guy really does not look too good.”

The gasping had slowly become more frantic, and the Gorgofil began to look more panicked if that were even possible.

“Simple, in your pack, take out cannister 14 from the first aid kit. There should be a weird little disk thing in there. Peel the orange backing off and put it into the goo over that dead zone.”

Lance frowned in concentration as he followed instruction. One good thing about being a sniper was that even though he was literally shitting himself, Lance’s hands at least were rock steady.

The minute the disk was in the goo, several spider-like legs unfolded, and it seemed to latch onto the body wall underneath. The middle of the disk opened, and a long needle was plunged through the wall of the Gorgofil and into what Lance assumed was its lung thing. The other side of the disk extended some weird straw thing that poked out through the goo and gave off an odd whistling noise whenever the being gasped for air.

And the gasping was slowing down.

Coran laughed as readouts from the disk beamed back to his station, “Looks like you had yourself a Contained Aerofloud!”

“A what?”

“It’s like a normal aerofloud, but the gas is _stuck_ in the floud space!”

Lance looked down at the Gorgofil and noticed with relief that it was almost taking what he thought were regular breaths and the green was rapidly receding. “Coran, that explanation is not helpful. What is a floud.”

“How do you not know what a floud is?”

Lance threw his hands in the air, “Because Coran, I don’t speak Altean!”

“Oh, yes. I do rather forget that. A floud is where you keep your gas exchange organ. You humans call it the thorax. We call it the gawraphlilalor, and frankly, I think I like that better.”

“Riiggghhhtt… Well, I am going to try to get this guy and moving, maybe you can get a pod for it?”

Lance noted dimly that Coran had started rambling something about specs and plans, as he tried to pull the Gorgofil to its feet. It was smiling gently and taking even regular looking breaths when suddenly it stopped in its tracks. Eyes wide, it turned to Lance in a panic as red began to trickle out of its mouth.

“Oh god, that can’t be good. That is not good, not good not good!” Lance watched in horror as the being stumbled backwards and coughed up a significant amount of pink foam. It fell to the ground and the green that had been slowly fading returned with a vengeance. The pink foam was now spewing from its mouth, and Lance was frozen in shock as the Gorgofil coughed up more and more foam, before suddenly growing still. It was almost totally green now, and it may be cliché, but Lance definitely saw the light leave its multi-hued eyes.

The blue paladin took a step towards the being, before falling forwards into the puddle of pink. He rushed forward and stuck his ear back in the goo. It was as if the world had stopped, everything had gone silent. There was no breathing, no twitching, nothing.

It was dead.

In a fit of frustration, Lance slammed his fist into the ground and roared, “FUCK! Fucking HELL!”

He sat back on his heels and stared at the rapidly deflating Gorgofil. Lance felt his own motivation collapsing with the alien’s body. He was suddenly frozen, transfixed by the physical manifestation of his failure and the death of a sentient lifeform.

He had _tried_ goddamnit! He had tried and it was for _NOTHING._ There was no quiznacking point to any of this shit.

Lance just knelt there in a pool of cooling foam and realised with horror that he was covered in it. It had soaked into the knees of his under suit through a crack in the plas and it was sticking to his skin. For the first time in a long time, Lance had the feeling of being too _full_. He was feeling too much and it was overwhelming. So instead of even trying to processing, he shut down.

Keith was the first to arrive and quickly processed the scene before them. He knelt down in front of Lance, putting himself between his friend and the gruesome sight behind him. “Lance, Lance, c’mon. We need to move.”

Lance didn’t acknowledge his name being called, it was like he was frozen.

Pidge was the next to move. She walked around the dead Gorgofil and took stock of the situation. She tapped a button on weird disk thing that Lance had installed and downloaded all the data to her portable computer, “Looks like it died from a massive internal bleed in its lung. It’s actually kinda cool if you think about it. There was air squishing its lungs that came from a tear in the wall of the lung, which is why it couldn’t breathe. When Lance used the disk to drain the air, the pressure was taken off the lung, but it was also taken off a large hole in a big blood vessel! The pink stuff is blood mixed with –“

Keith turned around sharply and looked at Pidge, “Katie? Maybe now isn’t the time?”

Pidge turned and actually looked at Lance for the first time since arriving, “Oh. Uhh yeah. Ok, I’ll just be….” She turned and pointed in a totally random direction, “Over there. I’ll be over there.”

Keith frowned at her, “Good idea.”

He sent a quiet message through to Coran explaining precisely what happened before hefting Lance up by his armpits and slinging his arm over his shoulder.

By the time they made it back to the lions, Lance was almost back with him. At some point, Keith realised that Lance had started tremoring gently. Keith gnawed on his lip and frowned. He manoeuvred Lance onto the floor and wrapped a blanket around his shoulders.  The paladins mad made plans to rendezvous on a nearby moon with a considerably more favourable climate, but Keith took a moment to crouch down in front of his friend.

“Want to talk about it?”

Lance scoffed gently, without raising his eyes from the floor, “What’s there to talk about?”

“Well, you just saw someone die a horrific and messy death moments after you attempted to save their life and you have their literal blood in your shoes?”

Lance looked down and noticed that he was indeed covered in pink foam. Absently, he began to wipe it off with the blanket. He didn’t answer Keith, instead just staring at the wall opposite him.

Keith gave him a moment to ineffectually try to clean up before calling to him again,  Lance?”

He startled slightly as Keith’s voice broke into his numbness again.

“I’m fine. I just need a shower I think.”

Keith nodded, but looked unconvinced, “Yeah, I think you do.” He settled down on Lance’s left side, gently bumping their shoulders together. “I know today was a lot, but really is no excuse for smelling as bad as you do right now.”

Lance laughed wetly and realised he was crying. Lifting a hand, he also realised that his helmet had been removed at some point. Thankfully this allowed him to carefully wipe his eyes. “Yeah well, you don’t smell too crash hot either. How do you still smell like wet dog?”

Keith chuckled as he pushed himself up off the floor and offered a hand for Lance. “Head to the camp?”

Lance sighed and nodded, “Yeah, let’s get going.”

***

It was hours later, when Lance was in bed, wrapped up tightly in his blankets, that the feeling first reared its ugly head. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried desperately to forget the feeling of foam on his face, in his hair, under his feet.

The phantom sensation made his skin prickle.

In a fit of frustration, Lance threw the covers off and got out of bed. The team was camped in a forest and had fallen asleep around the fire. Careful not to wake the others, he stalked off, away from the rest of the group.

It was in moments like these that Lance missed the castleship the most. He’d always had nights where he couldn’t sleep, hell, they all had. But in the past, Lance could run, or train or just watch the stars whizz by. But now, being stuck in a forest, he just felt… he felt so claustrophobic.

The feeling of frustration began to bubble up his body and had his breaths coming in quick gasps. There was nowhere Lance could go, nothing he could do. He was stuck here. The weird tension that had overtaken his whole being wound tighter and tighter until Lance felt like his skin was going to tear. He had the irrational urge to take his knife and cut his skin so that the feelings that were pulling it so tight would escape and he would be able to breathe again.

It was like the Gorgifil, there was too much stuck inside his chest, it was squishing his lungs and stopping him from breathing.

Lance turned suddenly and slammed a fist into a tree.

The relief was as instantaneous and sharp as the pain. His hand throbbed, but it was worth it as his breath rushed out in a gasp and the feeling under his skin lessened.

But as soon as it had receded, it all flooded back in. The feeling was crushing and paralysing. There was no room left in his head for rational thought and it was moments later that Lance pulled his fist back, again and again, punching and kicking at the trunk until he felt like he could finally expand his lungs. Until he could finally breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points to anyone who can give me the real name for a contained aerofloud


	2. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mind the tags with this one Xx
> 
> Edited 9th Dec 2019

Shiro had no idea what caused him to wake up in the middle of the night. That in itself was odd, as lately he tended to wake up in a panic, sweat pouring off him, and with he urge to prove that he was real and he could be seen and heard by those around him. But tonight, he just rolled over, opened his eyes and sat up.

Knowing there was no point in sitting in his bed and staring at the ceiling, Shiro stepped outside took a deep breath. The lights were off in the various sleeping quarters scattered around the clearing, which was to be expected given the late hour. What was NOT to be expected was the series of grunts and thumps coming from the darkness just past the edge of the clearing. Emboldened by the knowledge that nothing in the darkness could be worse than what the paladins had already seen in their lives, he pulled a light ball from the middle of the campsite and headed towards the source of the noise.

Shiro did not know what he was expecting to find, but it definitely wasn’t Lance going full speed against a tree, tears running down his face and blood running down his hands.

He quickly dove forward and gathered Lance in his arms. It broke his heart to see how little resistance the younger paladin put up as he was pulled away from the tree. He just went limp in Shiro’s arms and allowed himself to be guided to sit on the forrest floor.

Shiro didn’t say anything, he just bit his lip as he slowly and carefully uncurled Lance’s hands and assessed the damage. He worked through some deeply ingrained protocol he was taught years ago. It perturbed Shiro that he couldn’t pin down whether it came from the Garrison or as his time in the Galra pits.

He filed that away for future panic attacks at 3am

_No obvious breaks – Good_

_Bleeding knuckles – Unsurprising_

_Can open and close a fist – Excellent_

_Several open wounds, no damage to underlying joints – Lucky_

_Prognosis for recovery with functionality is acceptable_

As he carried out his quiet exam, Lance came back to himself, “Oh. Hey.”

Shiro smiled gently, “Hey yourself.” He sat back on his heels and placed Lance’s hands gently in his Lance’s lap. “Want to tell me what just happened?”

Lance blinked slowly, “I’m not really sure.”

Shiro nodded and tried to hide his concern, “Ok. Well I think we should take care of these and then see if you can get some sleep.”

Lance looked down at his hands and noticed the dull throb had morphed into a rather insistent shooting pain. “Oh. Shit.”

Shiro smiled sadly, “Oh shit is right. We need to take care of these now otherwise you’re going to regret it in the morning. I think Coran has something in the medkit to help speed up the healing on this.”

Lance nodded and allowed himself to be picked up by the elbow, though he hissed in pain as he tried to grab onto Shiro’s arm.

“I think he also has something for the pain.”

It was almost an hour later when Lance found himself alone again. His hands were wrapped with an ointment to close the skin and his head was floating with some sort of Altean Tylenol. It wasn’t long before Lance slipped into a lightly drugged sleep.

***

Shiro sat up in the common area of the campsite and worried at his own knuckles with his teeth. He knew that the day had been hard on Lance, but he had no idea that it would affect him this way. Shiro had hoped Lance would have turned to the team for comfort rather than taking it out on himself, but that hope appeared to have been in vain.

Shiro sighed and pushed himself off the little bench. He massaged what was left of the stump of his arm, the pain was something he just could never really get used to. It ached differently on every planet, probably something to do with the changes in atmospheric pressures…

He looked at the bottle of pain medication he had given Lance and tipped one out into his own hand. He tried to avoid medication as much as possible, he didn’t want to rely on it. But some nights, it just was not worth the fight.

At least this way, he would sleep.

***

The following weeks were horrid.

There were no big fights, no major battles. The days were monotonous, and things started to blend together. The greyness was interspersed with training exercises and the occasional skirmish with pirates and lost Galra cruiser.

The more time Lance spent in Red, the more he realised he was slipping away. He thought he had a handle on himself, but Red was taking the initiative more and more and Lance was finding it harder and harder to be present.

Every time he closed his eyes he came face to face with his teammates, lights in their eyes slowly fading, pink foam spewing from their mouths.

He would try his hardest to help them, but every time he managed to get to them, they had crumpled to the floor one by one, faces lifeless and half submerged in a sea of foam. Lance would spend the rest of his dream trying to wade through the foam, and just as he arrived he would open his eyes and find himself back in his tent.

It was no surprise that he stopped sleeping.

Lance had no appetite, his hands shook nearly constantly and he was always two seconds away from snapping at someone for something tiny.

He kept up his façade as long as possible, but the cracks were beginning to show.

Shiro and Keith shared many a knowing glance, and Hunk tried his best to be there, but Lance just insisted he was fine and that it was nothing more than trouble adjusting to life in the woods.

And the team had enough of their own issues to keep them busy. They had close to no idea where they were, no idea what was going on outside their star system and no idea what the Galra were up to. They were down a few members of their group (most notably Romelle) and Krolia had disappeared to try to make contact with the Blade of Mamora who were concerningly silent on coms.

No one ever caught him in a moment like the “tree incident” again, but that was good luck, not good management.

Hands were hard to hide, but Lance quickly realised that the throbbing pain distracted him from the memory of the foam and the feeling of suffocating impotence. He found other ways to distract himself. He finally gave in to the urge to take his knife to his skin, and mere days later, Lance was smiling as the sting of fresh cuts erased the memories and discomfort. It snapped him out of his anxiety fuelled dissociation and eased the buzzing in his veins. He could sleep and put on a happy face and suddenly everyone stopped watching him like a hawk. Shiro’s brow finally relaxed and Hunk stopped glaring at him with concern over meals.

Finally, Lance had a foolproof solution.

Until the next mission unravelled him entirely.

They had no idea where the Galra were, or what they were doing, so the alarm came as a total surprise. It was the middle of their night rest period and Lance was caught with his pants down.

Literally.

He had been halfway through his nightly routine of cutting himself long enough to allow him to sleep more than an hour at a time. It had been a week since Lance had slept a whole night soundly, and he did  _not_  have his head in the game.

He was buzzing with directionless energy, unsatisfied by being unable to complete what he set out to do, the urge was a constant distraction from the task at hand.

And the task at hand was half a freaking fleet of Galra reining hell down on a planet near their home base moon.

Everything hurt, but there was no way Lance would let this little _issue_ get in the way of saving someone in need. He was aware that he wasn’t ok, but at only a week or two (or three), could you really call his little habit a  _problem_? Surely that title is reserved for people who have been doing this for months and months. Calling attention to what was, admittedly starting to spiral a little out of control, at this point would only be attention seeking. And contrary to popular belief, Lance did not enjoy the spotlight quite  _that_  much. He loved attention, it soothed something in his soul to have people look at him with adoration, ( _-maybe he_ IS _attention seeking…)_  but the idea of pity made him want to tear into himself anew.

Lance mentally shook himself and focussed back on the task at hand. The mission was simple and hauntingly familiar.

_Cut through the defences_

_Get Pidge inside_

_Hold everyone off long enough to get intel_

_Kill the inevitable robeast that shows up_

_Save the people they could save_

_Kill a whole heap of actual living beings who are 11 foot tall and furry_

Y’know, a normal Saturday.

At least Lance  _thought_  it was Saturday back home. With all the wormholes and the probable time dilation associated with intergalactic travel, who knows how accurate the clock Pidge and Hunk made still was.

 

Probably not very. Hell, maybe it was  _months_  out by now…

Red grumbled at the back of Lance’s mind, reminding him, yet  _again_ , to bring his mind back to the present.

His focus had been wandering a lot recently. Lance put it down to the lack of sleep.

Red just grumbled again and the pair shot off across the sky, nimbly darting between Galra drones, blasting them as they passed. Red’s agility paired well with Lance’s shooting to thin the field enough for Pidge to manoeuvre Green into position and land on the planet surface and then infiltrate the base.

Easy.

Less than a vargra passed before Lance had landed next to the other lions. He sat in the pilot’s chair and tried to pull himself together. It felt like every atom in his body had doubled in weight and just standing was proving to be a real challence. If given the choice, Lance would have just crumpled to the floor and laid there until he died.

It sounded dramatic, even to his own ears, but it really was starting to seem like the only solution.

But once again, Red nudged his mind and gave him a fleeting glimpse of the other paladins standing in the clearing, waiting expectantly for the final member of the team. And so, with monumental effort, Lance straightened his armour as he exited the maw of his beast. He carefully arranged his expression into that of a perfect diplomat and preparing to meet and win over the next race of beings to their cause. The paladins desperately needed some help and intel. They needed to know what was going on, who the main players were and where they needed to be.

And the inhabitants of Sudav may turn out to be exceptionally helpful. They were reasonably advanced, but had tried to keep their heads out of the fight as much as possible. This allowed them to sneak information and rations to the resistance as well as protecting their people.

It seemed their time of relative peace was over though.

The main issue with the contact with the Sudavians though was their insanely strict biosecurity protocols. Apparently their lack of contact with the Galra (up until this point) meant that they were once of the last planets in the known ‘verse that was naive to the apparently deadly Thiongala virus. Humans, it turned out, had a natural immunity, which was lucky because apparently Earth was riddled with it.

Prior to admission to the planet, all the equipment had to be screened and the whole team had to go through a similar set up. They landed the lions in a bio-dome, and the team was ushered into a large hall that was set up much like a human airport. There were roped off areas that formed neat queues and at the end of each line was a large frame that bore more than a passing similarity to a metal detector. The paladins marvelled at the odd coincidences in design as they were led through the now empty hall and into a private room. This was obviously designed with comfort in mind, with the scanner in the middle and plush couches so you could sit while waiting to be scanned. The other side of the room was behind the alien equivalent of glass, and was a mirror image of the Lance was currently standing on. A variety of doors ran down each side of the room and the team eyed them curiously.

It was through one of these doors that the scanner operator appeared. He was tall, and clearly dressed in some uniform. From behind, you may have mistaken him for a tall human, but from the front, well. Let’s just say his mouth was at the wrong end of his face.

When the technician opened his mouth to speak, Lance found himself unsure of where to look.

“Welcome paladins, to the capital of Sudav. As discussed, we will need to scan each of you and anything you wish to bring into the city, for any pathogenic substances. The scanner is not unlike the one your Coran uses to detect injury and illness prior to use of the healing pods. The difference is that this also identifies specific pathogens that are known to cause illness in our people. The process should be fast enough, so if one of you would step into the scanner, we can begin.”

Keith and Shiro nodded firmly and took their places at the front of the line. Hunk and Pidge fell easily in behind and Lance awkwardly hovered around the back, trying to allow Allura and Coran to go first. He wasn’t sure what the scanner would, and would not flag, but Lance wasn’t particularly keen to find out.

Keith was the first to be scanned, followed by Shiro. An alarm blared and Keith had his Blade knife out before you could say “Quiznack”. He was quickly reassured by the technician that Shiro had a very mild viral infection that would quickly and easily be isolated and treated by the machine. Keith nodded before he snapped his head around to his teammate, “Wait, did you  _know_ you were sick?’’

Shiro ducked his head slightly, but Lance could still see the back of his neck redden slightly, “uhh…. Maybe?”

The technician hummed as he pressed a button releasing Shiro from the scanner as Keith stalked towards him, “You  _knew_  you were getting sick, but you specifically told me  _this morning_  that you were fine.”

Pidge, Hunk and Lance chuckled at the sight of Keith playing the mother hen for once, it seemed as though 2 years away on a rock with his mom had done him some good.

Hunk was scanned next, followed by Pidge. Once again the scanner blared an alarm, announcing that it had identified something odd, though this time it turned out to be a speck of Kaltenecker faeces on her shoe. This was easily remedied, and Allura and Coran gently nudged Lance forward.

Lance froze. He was next.

“Y’know, I really rather think I might just sit this one out.” He swallowed and tried very hard to avoid eye contact with anyone, “Someone has to guard our lions right?”

Coran’s moustache twitched, but it was Allura who responded, “Lance we must go, to refuse would be a mark of great insult and to leave you with the lions would suggest to our potential allies that we do not trust them.” Her eyes flicked towards the technician, who was studiously ignoring the quiet disagreement and was instead cleaning the nails of his middle hand.

Wait, did he always have a middle hand..?

Lance’s momentary curiosity was disrupted by Coran putting his hand on Lance’s shoulder, “Lance, m’boy, the others have been through just fine. Don’t worry, we wouldn’t put you through anything that was dangerous.”

Lance cracked a smile, “Tell that to the poison you refer to as traditional paladin food.”

It was a mark of Coran’s concern for his young charge that he did not rise to the bait, “Lance, you need to do this. I am sorry, there isn’t really a choice.”

Lance swallowed, looked to his Space uncle, princess and his team. Pidge looked mildly interested, though the others just look confused as to the cause of the hold-up.

He took a deep breath and stepped forward into the scanning bay.

It was then that they heard the alarms scream for the third time.

Pidge was the first to pass comment, “Oi Lance! You better not have picked up some weird alien STD!”

Lance chuckled nervously, “As if, I’m not a  _total_  idiot.”

Shiro and Keith rolled their eyes as Pidge shouted something back. Lance didn’t catch it however because he was soon grabbed gently by the arm and walked out of the scanner and through a side door and into an office that must have been designed to project “non-threatening” vibes.

Lance raised an eyebrow as he watched the technician lock the door as he closed it, “Hey! What are you doing?!”

The technician grimaced, “I am most sorry Paladin Lance, but I figured this is not a conversation you would wish to have with your team present.”

Lance felt his stomach drop through the floor.

The technician cleared his throat, “The scanner is geared towards picking up potential pathogens, but in doing so, also builds a picture of all biological tissues.”

He looked at Lance meaningfully, but the paladin was being intentionally obtuse, “Yeah, you said it was like the medical scanner?”

The technician placed a large hand on Lance’s shoulder, “Lance, I may not be the same species as you, but I think you and I know that the wounds on your legs are self-inflicted. And from the data we have, there are no common human customs that call for this.”

The team, of course, chose this moment to break the door down. Lance whipped his head around towards the crash and saw all six of the others standing in the doorway. The looks on their faces would be comical if the situation wasn’t so fucked.

“Look, I appreciate the concern, but it really isn’t that big of a deal for humans.” Lance lied easily and shook the hand off his shoulder. He attempted to make  way towards the door and quickly push past his friends, “I have a handle on it.”

Shiro was the one who reached out and grabbed Lance’s arm, “Lance, I don’t know what is going on, but it doesn’t sound like you have a handle on it.”

Lance tried to smile reassuringly, he thinks he may have failed, “I do. I’m ok guys! I’m Lance! I’m fine!”

The technician bit the lower portion of his lip, “Lance, I am sorry but you can’t leave the room until you have been treated.”

Lance rolled his eyes, “Don’t worry, they aren’t infectious.”

“The wounds are not, no. But several of them are harbouring a dangerous pathogen that if left untreated will cause some rather unpleasant consequences for our people. Though admittedly I do not know if they are of concern to humans.”

Lance froze, and allowed himself to be brought back into the room by Shiro. “Look, Lance, let the guy kill all your bug things, and we can work things out after that. Keeping the planet’s biosecurity intact has to come first.”

Lance nodded distantly as the majority of the team filled out to give Lance some privacy and suddenly Lance was alone with the technician again. Wait, no, because Keith had hung back too.

“Lance if it is ok, I’d like to stay. I think you need someone to stay.” Keith looked to the tech for confirmation before taking a seat next to Lance on the bench.

A polite cough like noise interrupted the brief silence and Lance looked up at the alien again, “I am sorry Lance, but I think we need to see the wounds, so I can assess if killing the bacteria will be sufficient to allow them to heal.

Lance nodded and began to quickly strip off his armour and under-suit. Keith watched with sad eyes. His friend was looking a little worse for wear. His hands were bruised badly and his skin looked sallow. But the most concerning thing was the lines and lines of neat cuts on his right thigh. The ones at the top were almost healed, but the further down the thigh Keith looked, the deeper and more inflamed the cuts became.

The technician nodded to himself and began to pull equipment off the shelves. What Keith assumed was a portable wound steriliser was wheeled over and switched on, and after a small portion of time, a thick salve and bandage was applied to the freshly cleaned injuries. He nodded at the pair and silently left the room to finish the scanning protocol.

Keith appreciated being given the chance to talk to his friend there, before facing the brunt of the team’s curiosity and concern.

“So, want to talk about what’s going on with you? Or do you want to continue telling us all that you are fine?”

Lance was still staring at a spot on the floor on the other side of the room, “I guess there isn’t a lot of point in lying now, is there?”

Keith leant back on the bench and chuckled gently, “No really, no. Might as well spit it out.”

“You’re going to think it’s crazy.”

‘I’m really not.”

Lance scoffed, “You can’t know that.”

Keith shook his head, “I might find it a bit weird, but if there is something going on that is making you so distressed that  _this_  is the best answer, then it needs to be dealt with.”

Lance’s lip trembled, and he tried his utmost to hold the tears in, no one wanted to see him cry, “I didn’t think it was worth talking about.”

Keith felt himself sag a little under the utter despair the sentence betrayed. “Again, if it is causing you this much anguish, it is worth talking about.”

Lance shook his head, “No, Like, I get what you mean, but I am  _meant_  to be able to deal with this. This is nothing compared to what anyone else on the team has gone through, why should I get to break down‽” Keith could think of some very good things to interrupt with, but Lance seemed to be on a roll, “I mean really. Shiro was captured, tortured, killed then made to watch us battle with his clone for god knows how long. Pidge lost her family then had to fight tooth and nail to get them back. You lost everyone you knew and managed to rebuild yourself. Fucking Allura and Coran lost EVERYTHING, and you don’t see them sitting there fucking  _cutting_  themselves to deal with it! How fucked am I that  _this_  is what I turned to? How much of a fucking waste of a paladin am I when I can’t even protect myself?”

Lance pushed himself off the bench and Keith noticed him wince slightly as the movement pulled on the bandages when he turned to pace across the room.

“I am fucking nothing. I am a waste of bloody space and the team would function so much better if I wasn’t a part of it. Once Shiro is back up and running, you won’t even need me. He can have Black back, you’ll take Red, Allura is in Blue and I’ll just be..” Lance had started to slow down, his movements moving from frantic pacing to disjointed steps, “I’ll be just an extra. Just a 7th wheel taking up time and space and resources.”

Lance found himself in the corner of the room, sliding down the wall and into the plush carpet, “Do you know what I see every night Keith?”

Keith made his way over to his friend and sat close, so that their sides were pressed against each other, “What do you see?”

Lance swallowed, “I see each of you dying. Of you coughing up blood and foam and I can’t stop it. I stand there and I let you die and I watch the light fade from your faces and then I sit there, covered in your blood. I feel it drying on my skin and starting to crack and flake off.” Lance had started to rub his thumbs over the back of his hands, pressing hard and leaving red marks in their wake. Keith gathered up his hands and pulled Lance into an awkward one armed hug.

Lance continued to speak, “I can feel it all the time, I can feel it under my nails and seeping through the cracks in my armour. I can’t seem to get it off.”

Keith blew out a deep breath as Lance tucked his head and began to cry into Keith’s uniform. Keith knew that the death of the Gorgofil had hit Lance hard, but apparently it had been the trigger for all of his friend’s insecurities to come crashing down. And in the stress of the constant search for answers, no-one had noticed and Lance had been left to suffer alone.

Looking back on the way things played out, both Shiro and Coran looked far less surprised than one might expect, but Keith had no idea if _anyone_ had any idea of the depth of the issue.

Hell, _Lance,_ probably had no idea of the depth of what was going on. The younger man clearly thought it was nothing to worry about, though that may just be his insecurities and anxieties speaking to him. Keith sighed and rested his head on Lance’s. He was still sobbing quietly and Keith tightened the arm he had around his shoulders.

Keith had no idea how they would fix this, but he was damn sure he was going to work it out.


	3. Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited 9th Dec 2019

Allura and Coran were halfway through listening to a somewhat dry speech by a Sudavian diplomat when a quiet beep emanated from Shiro’s communicator. Discreetly, with all the practised ease of someone used to checking in on his adoptive brother during classes at the Garrison, Shiro quickly read the message.

_Lance isn’t ok. He’s not going to make it through the dinner without drawing attention. I’ll take him back to the Lions now, but we’re going to need to do something about this._

Shiro nodded to himself, unsurprised, and messaged back his acknowledgement. He had known something was seriously not right with Lance, but he hadn’t thought he was the right person to broach the subject. Shiro worried at his lip with his teeth, how much damage had his hesitation caused?

If he had made Lance talk about things the night Shiro found him spaced out in the woods with bleeding knuckles, would they be in this situation now? Could everything have been sorted, could he have saved Lance the last few weeks of pain?

A gentle nudge from his left side brought him out of his thoughts. Hunk was staring straight at the speaker, appearing wholly engrossed in what was going on, but his eyes quickly darted to Shiro. He gave him a small, but reassuring smile and shifted his body so their shoulders could bump against each other. It was a small gesture, but one that helped ground Shiro, remind him that he had a team, that he wasn’t alone.

At that sudden realisation, he knew what he had to do. The whole team had gathered around Shiro over the last few weeks. They had been a constant and stable wall of support and understanding as he came to terms with what had happened to him. Everyone, but especially Hunk and Lance had taken to being overly tactile after he let slip that sometimes he forgot he had a body after spending so long on the astral plane. It was little things, a hand on the shoulder during meetings, a hug at the end of the day, or just shifting slightly, so they were leaning gently against his side. No one had pushed Shiro more than he needed to be pushed and everyone had made it clear that they were there when he needed to talk.

But no one was doing that for Lance.

Pidge and Hunk were nearly always off looking at something technological. Hunk may have been Lance’s best friend for years, but it had fallen away in the face of the practicalities of war. They needed the tech to be working as well as possible, and there were always things that required the Hunk/Pidge team to solve. So, Lance watched his friend go where he was needed.

Keith had his mom now, and the change in him that had come about, as a result, was remarkable. Two years on a space rock matures you a fair bit apparently, but for the first time in his life, Keith had someone to talk to and confide in. He was more sensible, less reactive and just overall more balanced.

Allura and Coran, as always had each other. Though Shiro  _did_  often wonder how much support Coran got out of it and how much of it went to Allura. It made sense, Allura has always been Coran’s charge, and he naturally took on the “Space Uncle” persona, but Shiro made a mental note to check on the moustachioed man as well.

And Shiro, well Shiro had the whole team.

But Lance had no one for himself.

It was no secret that Lance held some deeply carved insecurities, and although he covered it with the fake bravado, everyone knew it. Had it just been easier to go along with the overly confident image Lance projected? He was loud and seemed to be everywhere at once. Lance was everyone’s friend, but how much one-on-one time did he actually get with his team? How many of them were actually  _there_  for Lance?

Lance needed what Shiro had. He needed the constant reassurance of the team, of his family.

And Shiro was going to make damn sure he got it.

***

Keith and Lance were halfway back to the Lions when Lance realised they weren’t making their way to the dinner.

“I thought we all had to be there for the dinner otherwise it would be seen as an insult?”

Keith shook his head, “Allura told them you couldn’t be cleared by the scanner because of an infection and the tech advised that you may not be 100% safe even after treatment. She worded it, so it looks like we are making a sacrifice to respect their biosecurity protocols. If they demand you come, then they put their citizens in danger and if they get angry at us for not attending it makes them look petulant. Allura knows what she is doing, don’t worry about that.”

Lance nodded and silently trudged along next to Keith for another minute or so.

“But why are you here then?”

Keith smiled, “I’m not needed tonight. They only cared that the main Voltron players were there and with Shiro in black armour, they have everything they need to make the alliance. I was just a tag along for the free meal tonight.”

Lance laughed gently, “Can’t say no to free food.”

Keith smiled, “Nope. Living on a space rock for a few years makes you appreciate having someone else make food for you. And it  _really_  makes you appreciate food that isn’t the same thing you have eaten for the last 500 nights.”

They approached the campsite and Keith raised a hand in greeting as the wolf he brought back from the quantum abyss raised his head. In a flash of blue sparks, it was suddenly trotting between the pair and pressing close to Lance.

“He wants you to pat him.”

Lance looked up at Keith in confusion. He rolled his eyes and elaborated, “The wolf, he wants a scratch behind the ears.”

“Oh.”

Lance lifted a hand and settled it into the fur behind the wolf’s ears. Lance was still wearing his gloves, so he had no idea what the hair felt like, but he could feel the deep rolling grumble the wolf was making in his chest. Lance chuckled, “He’s a fan of that huh?”

Keith turned from where he was starting to arrange a campfire, “Oh yeah. Drove me nuts. You sit down to do absolutely anything, and he’d be headbutting you for pats. And because the damn thing can teleport, he comes literally out of nowhere. One minute you are taking a dump in the woods, next moment your lap is full of space wolf.”

Lance settled down on the ground near the fire, with his back resting on the side of the red lion. The wolf settled down immediately and wormed his way forward until his head was firmly in Lance’s lap. He laughed, “I know you think it’s odd, but that is pretty standard across  _most_  pets. I lost count of the number of times one of our cats back home would push the door open when someone was in the bathroom.”

Keith finished playing with the fire and sat close on Lance’s other side, “Huh, I didn’t know it was a Thing. I was never allowed to have pets, and I don’t think I was ever with a family who had one.”

The wolf was still doing the odd grumble/groan/purr thing, and Lance found it to be very soothing.

He took off his gloves and then stood to take off the hard plating of the armour, and finally felt himself  _breathe_. The break in the petting did not go unnoticed, and in a flash, his armour had been thrown to the other side of the campsite, and Lance found himself pinned down by 140lb of lazy wolf.

Lance’s breath rushed out in a sudden  _“oof”_ followed by a rapid increase in his heart rate as he remembered the last time he was pinned by something laying across his body.

The feeling of sinking into the gelatinous covering of the gorgofil was so real he could almost see it, and suddenly he had to get  _out_.

Keith noticed Lance’s sudden change in demeanour and quickly commanded the wolf to move. He zapped to Keith’s other side and sat with his head cocked, seemingly unconcerned but intrigued as to what was going on. Keith leant over and helped to pull Lance into a sitting position once again. He may not know exactly what was happening, but anyone who had two brain cells to rub together could see that Lance was panicking.

Keith stripped off his hard armour and pulled Lance tightly into his side, “Hey, you are ok. You are safe. You are with me at the campsite, and no one is in danger, and everyone is fine.”

Lance put more of his weight into Keith’s side, and Keith could feel the rapid breaths his friend was sucking in. “Ok, now you need to work on breathing slowly. Nice and easy, just try to take a nice long breath. Doesn’t have to be deep, just try and draw it out ok?”

He felt Lance nod shakily, and although the breaths were shallow and hitching, they started to slow. Keith turned and nodded at the wolf, who slowly walked around to Lance’s other side, and pressed his body against his legs. He put her head on his lap and nudged and nuzzled Lance's hand until it was nestled back in his fur. He started to rumble again as Lance began to card his fingers through the fur on the back of his neck.

Keith, for his part, kept up the steady stream of encouragements and directions and noted with satisfaction that Lance slowly seemed to be calming down.

Eventually, he felt Lance slump into his side, his body finally free of the tension it had vibrated with for the last half hour.

“Sorry.”

Keith looked down at Lance at the whisper-soft apology, “Why are you apologising?”

He felt Lance shrug, “I hate anyone seeing me lose it, doesn’t seem fair to put it on someone else.”

Keith sighed, “Lance, we need to talk about this.” He shifted them both so he could see Lance’s face, “You seem to think that what you have gone through, what you are dealing with, is less important than what anyone else on the team is dealing with.”

“But—”

“No. Let me finish, then I will answer all your questions. Ok?”

He waited for a nod before continuing, “What you are currently dealing with is just as important to us as anything anyone else is dealing with. But we can’t help you at all if we don’t know what’s going on.” Keith sighed, “And look, some of that? That’s on the rest of the team. If we had been paying better attention, we would have noticed things weren’t right with you. They haven’t been good for a while now, but they have been awful for a few weeks, and no one did anything about it. That’s on us. We should have looked out for you better. And trust me, starting today a lot of things are going to change.”

Lance was looking more than a little uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken, “I don’t need anything. I appreciate what you are trying to do, but I can take care of this.”

Keith nodded, “Yeah, look I am sure you can. But what I am saying is, you don’t have to take care of it  _alone_.”

Lance paused, “I just don’t want to take anything away from the others. They need it more.”

“No, they don’t.” Lance opened his mouth to argue, but Keith kept speaking, “Lance, you are hurting yourself. And sure, yeah, it’s only been a few weeks, it’s not likely to be life-threatening right now, and it feels like you can control it. But Lance, look me in the eye and tell me it isn’t harder to scratch the itch now than when you started.”

Lance paused, opened his mouth and then closed it again. It was just training a bit too hard to start, then it was scratching, and now it was taking a knife to his legs. Keith was right. He  _didn’t_  have a handle on this.

Keith sighed and pulled Lance back into a one-armed hug, “Things tend to get worse over time if you don’t deal with it. We want to help you deal with it.”

Lance had no idea how to respond to that, he just sat there like a freshly caught fish, mouth gaping slowly.

“No one is going to think less of you for this either. We all have our ways of coping and not all of them are good for us in the long run.”

Lance nodded mutely and allowed the combined warmth of fire, friends and furry wolf lull him into the first real sleep he’d had in weeks.

***

When Shiro finally got away from the dinner and made his way back to camp, he was just in time to see Lance snoring softly against Keith’s chest.

Shiro smiled at the sight and sat down on Keith’s unoccupied side. “How is he?”

Keith hesitated briefly before answering, “Look… It’s not great.”

Shiro nodded slowly, “How concerned should we be?”

“He’s hurting himself to cope with everything.” Keith bit his lip, “And he feels like he doesn’t deserve to ask for help.”

Shiro huffed a laugh, “Do any of us?”

Keith cracked a smile, “Yeah, but it’s almost as if he didn’t realise we would support him in this. He was stunned when I told him that just because he  _could_  deal with it all alone didn’t mean he had to.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

Shiro frowned, “I was thinking earlier, I never see him chatting or debriefing with anyone. He always seems to be around, but never actually seems to have someone to go to when he needs it.”

Keith nodded, “Yeah, we haven’t been there for him like we should be.”

“This is my fault, the whole team has been so good to me these last months, but I’ve taken up so much of everyone’s energy-”

Keith rolled his eyes, “First, no. Second, this isn’t on you, and deep down you know that. If anyone is to blame, it is the Galra.” He chewed his lip before continuing, “We  _haven’t_  been there for him though. But it is a group effort. You are the only person who can claim the “I had my stuff going on too” card right now, so don’t even try to put this all on yourself.”

“Fine, but I should have known something was wrong. I found him spaced out in the woods one night after he punched the living daylights out of a tree. I  _knew_  something was off and I didn’t follow it up.”

Keith conceded the point, “Fair, but still, your head hasn’t exactly been in the best place either.”

Shiro just sighed, “What do we do?”

Keith shrugged, “Be there for him, talk to him. Support him. Y’know, team stuff.”

“When did you get so wise?”

Keith chuckled, “Two years of undiluted Mom Advice will do that to a man.”

Shiro smiled, “You have no idea how happy I am for you that you got that.”

“Thanks, I didn’t know how much I needed her until I had her. I couldn’t imagine my life without her now.”

The two men looked down at Lance who was starting to drool slightly against Keith’s chest. Shiro frowned again, “Did you see what the injuries were?”

“Yeah. I did…” Keith pulled Lance in tighter, “He’s got cuts all up and down his thighs. Some of them are pretty bad, and a few were infected.”

“Oh Lance,” Shiro breathed. He knew it was a real possibility that Lance wasn’t using the best strategies to deal with everything, but he had hoped it was something less destructive than this. Shiro slid to the ground to sit on Lance’s other side. He ran his hand across his face and sighed, “We can fix this yeah?”

Keith turned to look at his older brother, “We have to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so tired ai can barely keep my eyes open, so drop me a comment if I missed any obvious mistakes.  
> I try to weave in humour where I can. Does it work? I hope it does..


	4. Ignorance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooo 10,000 words....  
> If you are an older reader getting an update, head back to chapter 1 and tell me what you think of the header. Did it myself
> 
> Also, full disclosure, I am so tired, I am typing this with my eyes closed, so it may not be my best work ever

Keith and Shiro sat and talked quietly, allowing Lance to snooze between them. By the time the others made it back from the dinner, Lance had his head in Keith’s lap, and his feet in Shiro’s. Cosmo was curled up in the tiny rectangle that was formed by Keith and Shiro’s sides and Lance and the belly of the red lion. It didn’t look like he should fit, but he was purring gruffly and seemed as content as he ever was. As the rest of the team approached, Shiro raised a finger to his lips, indicating that they should avoid waking their teammate.

Hunk smiled as he took in Lance in all his drooling glory, draped across the two members of the team that were arguably the least affectionate of them. Pidge, Allura, Coran and Hunk gathered around, forming a loose circle facing the other three. Worry and concern were written clearly on the faces of all.

“So, how was the rest of the dinner?” Shiro had his hands resting on Lance’s shins and was more or less unaware that he was occasionally rubbing his thumb along the bony ridge.

Allura shrugged, “Mostly unexciting. We did learn a few things that I want to cross reference before we worry too much about it. But other than that there was a lot of speeches from a lot of people we were clearly meant to be impressed by.”

Shiro and Keith looked at each other, “What sort of things did you learn?” Keith felt the familiar sensation of standing over a trapdoor, waiting for it to drop.

Pidge was the one to speak up this time, on closer inspection, it was clear she was rather distressed by what they had learnt, “Well.. One of the reasons the Sudavians were so confused to see us is that the entire universe thought that Voltron had been destroyed in our final battle.”

Shiro’s shoulders relaxed, “Well that’s not too bad. Clearly, we are still alive and kicking.”

Pidge worried at her lip, “Yeah, except that the final battle was apparently two years ago.”

Keith froze, there it was. That sudden fall into ice-cold reality, “What?”

“Yeah, we don’t know what happened, but there was something to do with time and space tears and somehow, here we are, missing two years.” Hunk looked unsurprised, yet defeated. “Nothing good ever happens in space. I have been telling you all this from literally day one.”

Shiro slowly digested the new information, “Right, so, everyone has thought we are dead. For two years.”

“Well, it’s probably closer to 1.8 Deco-phoebs, not sure exactly how long that is in your “years” but if one tick is approximately 1.2 seconds, then…” Coran trailed off as he did some rough calculations. “Then we have been gone for about 205 of your earthen years!”

“WHAT?!” All of the paladins shouted at the same time and subsequently woke the snoozing Lance who sat up in a flurry.

Immediately snapping awake, Lance was on his feet, bayard out and aimed directly at Hunk’s face. They could all hear the tell tale whine of the bayard that announced it was more than ready to fire. Lance’s eyes were wide, but not aware. And everyone tensed as Lance froze and started to take in his surroundings.

“Uhhhh, Lance? Y’wanna, y’know, NOT shoot your long time buddy Hunk in the face?” Hunk had his hands up and was looking distinctly nervous.

Slowly, awareness seeped back into Lance’s expression and he quickly dropped his weapon, “Shit, quiznak, fuck. I am sorry, I didn’t realise…”

Shiro was the one who took over, quickly standing and removing the bayard from Lance’s grasp. The weapon dematerialised and Shiro helped Keith get Lance sitting down again. Cosmo, who had teleported away at the shock of the sudden outburst was now slinking back into the circle of friends and carefully dropped his head into Lance’s lap once again. “You’re fine Lance, it’s ok. We just shouted a touch and woke you. We’re really sorry.”

Pidge and Hunk exchanged a quick glance, there was clearly something going on that they didn’t know about.

Allura cleared her throat, “Yes Lance, we are most sorry. Please try to get some more sleep.”

Everyone nodded and Lance felt his eyes begin to droop once more, “I guess… I guess I could go a few more ticks…” He was mostly asleep by the time he finished speaking.

“Well we are going to talk about whatever _that_ was in a minute,” Hunk gestured vaguely at the cuddle puddle that was Shiro, Keith, Cosmo and Lance, but turned back to Coran, “But first, what the hell do you mean _205_ years?”

Coran paled, “Is that not a similar length to what you were discussing before?”

Pidge threw her hands in the air and spoke in a harsh whisper, “No Coran, it is NOT. Two years and our families _might_ be dead, _two hundred and FIVE_ years and they definitely will be.”

Coran froze, “Ah, yes. Let me count again, there is the possibility that I did miss something…”

Allura sighed, “I think he means 2.05 of your human years.”

Coran blushed, “It seems I was out by a factor of 10… As I’ve said before, finger counting is mor—"

“-more of an art than a science” the paladins chorused.

“yes, well… I was close!”

Shiro grimaced, “I don’t know if I would call it close, but we keep you around anyway.”

Pidge rolled her eyes, “Either way, we’ve been gone for two years. It gives me a pretty bad feeling about Krolia not being able to reach the Blades.”

Keith felt his stomach take a dive again, how likely would it be for all of the Blades to have been killed in the last two years….?

Allura broke into his thoughts as she continued speaking, “The _good_ news is that we have a lead on a rebel base that is connected to Pidge’s brother. We’re hoping that if we can get to them, they can get a message to Matt and the blades and we might actually get some idea of what is happening.”

Coran sighed, “Unfortunately, the _bad_ news is that there is several movement’s worth of empty space between Sudav and the planet with the rebel base. It’s going to be a long trip everyone!”

The groans that ran around the circle at the announcement had Lance stirring sleepily again, bringing the attention back to the matter at hand.

Hunk cleared his throat gently, “So, are you going to tell us what’s going on with Lance?”

Shiro and Keith sighed, “Yeah, we really need to talk about him.”

Keith looked down to check Lance was still fast asleep before continuing, “So remember the fight we had on the planet with the jelly people?”

Coran sat up straighter, “The one where Lance tried to save the gorgofil with the contained aerofloud.” It wasn’t a question, it was a realisation.

Nodding, Keith continued, “Well it appears that Lance is taking the death of the gorgofil much harder than we though. He’s been having nightmares about it and I don’t think he has had a good night sleep in some time.”

Shiro took over the story, “I found him out from camp one night after the fight. Looked like he had gone 50 rounds with a  concrete wall, and honestly, I was shocked he didn’t do any lasting damage to his hands. I couldn’t sleep that night either and by the time I found him, Lance was going full force against the tree and his hands were all banged up and he wasn’t really aware of anything. I sat him down and got his gloves off and tried to clean him up. I knew something up, but I didn’t push, I just got him back to camp.”

Coran sighed, “Not your fault Number One, you did what you could at the time.”

“Agreed.” Allura nodded, “You can’t be expected to carry Lance as well as yourself. You have enough going on.”

Shiro huffed, “I’m not saying I should be the one to “fix” Lance or whatever, I am saying we all need to take a bit of responsibility here.” Shiro looked at Keith who nodded, assuring his older “brother” to take the reigns in the discussion. “You have all been there for me. Always. Even before I was… before I died. I didn’t accept your support, but every single person made an effort to support me. And since I’ve been back, everyone has been amazing, I honestly could not have done this without you. But in looking after me, we’ve missed something else. We should be keeping an eye on all of our teammates, not just the ones we work closely with.”

“With all due respect Shiro, the situations are not the same. You _died_ and then got trapped on the astral plane for pheobs. You have suffered greatly at the hands of the Galra.” Allura sat up straighter and stared Shiro in the eye, “What happened to Lance is unfortunate, yes, but does not seem to warrant this level of response.”

Coran was playing absently with his moustache, “It’s not just the nightmares of Lance though, is it Shiro?” The older man was pensive, and he seemed to be angling for something in particular. Pidge and Hunk just sat on the sidelines with open mouths, heads swinging back and forth as though they were watching a game of space tennis.

“No. It’s not.”

Coran nodded once, “Why doesn’t Keith tell us what happened at the scanner? We all seem to be missing a crucial piece of information.”

Keith, who had been silently fuming through the last several minutes of tense conversation licked his lips, “So the scanner picked up a series of injuries on Lance. Some of the injuries were infected and all of them were self-inflicted.” Allura opened her mouth to speak, but Keith steamrolled over her, “I asked him what it was about and he said that he has to do it to cope with everything. He said that he feels like he shouldn’t _burden us_ with his problems, and this was the only thing he had found to actually make him feel better.”

Hunk was nodding in understanding, “I knew he was worried about things, but I didn’t realise it was that bad…” He trailed off, looking guilty.

Keith pushed on, “The death of the gorgofil may have been the tipping point, but this has been coming for Lance for some time I think. I don’t think he has ever really felt like he fit in here, and he is the only one of us who has no one to talk to.”

This time, it was Pidge to raise an objection, “That’s ridiculous, we’re all around all the time.”

Shiro shook his head, “Think about it Pidge, who is Lance’s best friend?”

“Hunk!”

Shiro nodded, “And who spends the most time with Hunk?”

Pidge opened her mouth, and then paused, “—oh, me.”

“Yeah, It’s not a bad thing, it’s just the way things work. But realistically, you have Hunk and Hunk has you. You guys connect on a level Lance never reached because you two are insanely intelligent. Allura and Coran, you are your own unit, which is to be expected really. Keith has his mom now, and you have all made sure that I have all of you.” Everyone was nodding along, “But no one has Lance.”

Hunk froze, “Shit. Shit, you’re right. I didn’t even realise I was cutting him out.”

Keith shrugged, “Can’t change the past, just gotta do better from here.”

Everyone except Shiro (and Lance, who was still fast asleep) turned to look at Keith in unison, Keith shrugged again, this time self-conscious, “What? Mom has some really good advice ok?”

Shiro laughed fondly, “Anyway, the point is, Lance is struggling right now, and _regardless_ of the reason, we _will_ be there for him. We will support him and make him feel so damn appreciated that he wants to puke.” His face turned sombre, and his voice soft, “I only just got you all back, please don’t make me sit by and watch things crumble again.”

That broke whatever weird mood had overtaken Allura, and Pidge and Hunk were nodding frantically.

Coran looked pensive again.

“Right, well if that’s sorted, I think it is well past bedtime. We have a long haul tomorrow, so we best get a decent night sleep.” Coran stood and began to usher people to their lions. He helped Shiro and Keith lift a still soundly sleeping Lance and move him into Red.

“He must really be exhausted if he can sleep through this.”

Shiro nodded, “He’s up later than me most nights these last few weeks.”

Coran’s mouth dropped open, “Is he even sleeping at all?!”

Keith shrugged, “He’s sleeping now.”

“I guess.” Coran worried at his lip before nodding and heading to bed. Wether Lance wanted it or not, he had just gained another irritating, yet tenacious cheerleader.


	5. Understanding

It didn’t take long for everyone to head for bed. Keith had to carry the still sleeping Lance to his tent, and he was soon settled into bed, one hand tucked under his pillow, the other resting in Cosmo’s fur. Keith smiled as he shut the door and then began his own nighttime rituals. He didn’t notice the look shared by Pidge and Hunk as he left the fire. In fact, no one noticed it.

If they had, maybe they would have stepped in.

The pair moved like predators. Swiftly assessing the layout of the area and silently communicating the best way to cut off their prey’s means of escape.

Their prey had just risen from her seat when she found herself herded away from the fire and into a clearing nearby. Allura had no concerns about being pulled aside by Hunk. No one was worried when Hunk wanted to talk to them. People _were_ generally concerned, however, when Pidge got involved. Which is why she had waited until the last second to step out of the shadows and join Hunk.

Allura was facing the campsite and what was left of the fire. All she could see of the paladins facing her was their silhouettes and the flash of Pidge’s glasses.

“Uhhhhh… You didn’t bring me out here to murder me did you?” Allura looked around the clearing, mildly concerned, “Not that I think you would, but you are both doing an excellent job of seeming very threatening.”

Hunk and Pidge shared another look and Hunk motioned for his friend to take the reins, “So. Allura. You seem to think that Shiro is the only one who has suffered enough at the hands of the Galra to be justified in having some issues.”

Allura took a step backwards, “What? No!” She raised a hand to her mouth, “That’s not what I meant at all! We have all been through so much, I just meant that Shiro’s experience seems so much more traumatic than Lance’s. It seems like an overreaction to be behaving the way he is. I understand it was stressful, but it is in the past and he did what he could, so there is no point in making such a big deal out of it!”

Hunk crossed his arms while Pidge took a step forward, “So just because Lance came out of it ok, he should just brush it off and get on with his day?”

Allura shrugged awkwardly, “Well, we have all seen some terrible things, but no one else is struggling this much, so yes. I think he should keep it to himself.”

Hunk was frowning, “Allura, he _was_ trying to keep it to himself. If this was Lance being dramatic, do you really think we would have had to wait for a random alien dude to tell us something was off?”

Allura was looking decidedly uncomfortable, she wrapped her arms around her chest, “No, I guess no. That is out of character for him.”

“Why?! Because all Lance is, is a loud, obnoxious pain in the ass who needs to be the center of attention at all times?” Pidge had taken another step forward and was now so close to Allura that she had to crane her neck up to meet the Altean’s eyes.

“No! I don’t think that either!” Allura threw her hands up and stalked across the clearing and slumped down onto a fallen tree. She dropped her head to her hands and sighed loudly before pushing her hair back and looking her teammates in the eyes, “I don’t think you understand how difficult this is for us. For Coran and I.” She dropped her eyes again, “You see, on Altea, things like this were taboo. I am sure they happened, yes, but it was never something we spoke about. Apparently, a lot has changed in 10,000 years…”

Hunk sighed made his way over to his friend, he placed a hand on her shoulder, “Allura, we don’t know what’s going on for you unless you _tell_ us. I don’t know what you don’t understand unless you tell me you are lost.”

She nodded, “Shiro’s situation, that is easy for me to understand. He was captured, tortured, lost an arm, then killed, isolated in the astral plane and then almost killed again and then lost his arm. Again. That? I can see why that is a lot to bear. I can understand why he has trouble. There is a lot of loss in his life and constant physical reminders of it.” She cleared her throat before pushing on, “But Lance. He is physically fine. We healed all his injuries, quiznack, I even gave up a piece of _my_ quintessence to bring him back and –”

Pidge cut her off mid-sentence, “Wait. I’m sorry. Did you say you gave up some quintessence to _bring him back?_ Bring him back from where Allura?”

“I thought you knew? When he was injured we had to fix the shields for a planet when we were with… With Lotor. Lance was very nearly died.”

Hunk’s mouth popped open, “Great, he almost died and somehow that little detail escaped me. Great.” He threw his hands up and stalked away from the two women for a moment. Pidge and Allura shared a confused look at the sight of the yellow paladin pacing back and forth across the neck of the clearing, muttering to himself. Pidge sighed sadly and plopped down on Allura’s left side.

They both knew Hunk needed some time to cool down, and would be back when he was good and ready.

“I knew he was injured, but I didn’t realise Lance was that _close_ to.. y’know…” Pidge was frowning.

Allura sighed, “Yes, I was almost too late.” She looked up from her lap, “But it does not matter, Lance survived and there was no lasting damage.”

Pidge frowned, as Hunk came stalking back, “Right, I’m finished with that. Just needed to have a small freak out, and now back to business. Allura, why do you feel that so long as Lance is physically unharmed, he is fine?” He stood in front of Allura, arms crossed and face set. Hunk was the picture of focus.

It was Pidge’s turn to have her mouth pop open. How did she realise that _that_ was the distinction for Allura?

“Well because he is? He is healed, so he is able to continue with his duties.”

While Pidge was busy processing this new point of view, Hunk was pressing on with his questions, “Right. So basically, if the body is healed, then the mind is fine too?”

“Wait, the mind? What about the mind?”

Pidge had finally caught up to the conversation, “Yeah, the mind. The brain. The thinky organ.”

Allura looked confused, “I don’t see what his brain has to do with it. Scans have shown there was no damage to the structure of his brain.”

Pidge froze, “Allura, in humans, when something traumatic happens, it affects our brains. It doesn’t… Injure them, per se, but it affects the way it works. In some humans, their brain cells don’t join up right or fire off in the right order and it means they can react in ways that don’t seem to make a lot of sense.” She was being far more patient, than she usually would be, and privately, Pidge high-fived herself. Matt would be proud.

“Well, that just seems messy and difficult to manage.”

Hunk laughed humourlessly, “You’re telling us.”

Allura continued to look confused, “What do you mean?”

“Ho-kay, here we go,” Hunk settled down on Allura’s other side from Pidge, “Y’know how I seem to worry a lot?”

Allura nodded, “Yes, it often seems over the top compared to the situation.”

“It often is, but sometimes it isn’t and I stand by that until the end of time!” Hunk coughed before returning to the matter at hand, “But. I worry a lot because when I get stressed, my brain sees everything as a life or death threat. It’s sorta like if you were standing on the bridge of the castleship and the proximity alarm was going off constantly, but you couldn’t find a threat.”

“I would assume there was a problem with the mainframe and I would go looking for an error in  programming.”

Hunk clapped his hands, “Exactly! But imagine you can’t fix the mainframe, so you just have to live with the alarm going off at random intervals and just try to work out what is real and what is a bug.”

“That certainly sounds irritating.” Allura’s brow was creased, “Are you sure I cannot send the mice in to find the bug?”

Pidge sighed, “Allura, it’s a metaphor, the mainframe is Hunk’s brain, and the alarm is his panic. The error is what we call a mental illness. Hunk suffers from anxiety.”

Allura’s mouth made a silent “O” as she wrapped her head around this. “So even though Hunk is fine, his proximity alarm tells him he is not. For no reason.”

Hunk nodded, “For some reason, there is an error I can’t fix in my brain’s programming. I can learn ways to figure out if the alarm is real or not, or ways to turn the sound down, but it is probably always going to be there.”

“Right.” Allura nodded slowly, “Messy and difficult.”

“So Hunk was born this way, some people, like Shiro, go through something that means they need to be on high alert for a long time. They live like that for so long, their brains rewrite their programming to suit. When the period of high alert is over, their brains can’t change the programming and they get stuck like that.” Pidge had turned her body to Allura, “Shiro lives with his alarm going off at odd times because it had to so he could survive.”

“I… I never realised it was like that for him.” Allura’s eyes were fixed on her lap, “I thought it was the loss of his arm and living without it that was making him so moody.”

Hunk smiled sadly, “If that was all it was, he would probably be over the moon.”

Allura was nodding absently, “So what do I do to help you both?”

Pidge nudged the princess with her shoulder, “From what Shiro has told me, you are already doing exactly what he needs. Everyone is different.”

“I am glad, but this still does not explain Lance or his reactions.”

Hunk sighed, “There are a lot of ways a brain can malfunction. In Lance, the chemicals needed for making decisions and generally being positive are low, so he is usually feeling kinda down. He has been that way for a long time, and usually, he copes with it ok. But everything from the last few months has messed up some other parts of his brain’s programming. Lance feels responsible for all of us, as well as anyone under his protection.” Hunk bit his lip, “I know he feels guilty for not realising Shiro wasn’t Shiro earlier, and it sounds like the who deal with the gorgofil was the last straw. Not to mention nearly _dying_ apparently…”

Pidge rolled her eyes at Hunk before taking over the explanation, “When some people feel overwhelming emotions, sometimes they lash out. Some people will yell, run, punch or start fights, others will hurt themselves. It’s really complicated, but it’s not something Lance is _choosing_ to do for fun or to get sympathy. He’s probably doing it because, at the time, it feels like there is no other choice.”

Allura had begun to turn in on herself, “I didn’t realise.”

Hunk threw an arm over her shoulders and pulled the princess close to his side, “It’s ok, but you do now and you can help us look after him.”

“This isn’t something we were meant to talk about. On Altea, if you could function, you were working or fighting. We had a war to win, and there wasn’t any time to deal with anything else.”

Pidge noticed that tears had begun to slip down Allura’s face. She didn’t mention it but did slide closer so her side was pressed against the princess’s. “That sounds like a lot to deal with.”

Allura nodded, “It was. It _is_.” She huffed a wet laugh, “I don’t seem to be able to let go of the expectations of my people, even though they have been dead and gone for 10,000 years.”

Hunk rested his head on her hair, “It’s a lot to let go of. It is everything you were raised to believe. And for you, it _hasn’t_ been 10,000 years. It’s been less than two.”

For the first time, Pidge realised that Allura was not a great deal older than herself. Sure, she was raised to be royalty, but the majority of her life had been shaped by an oncoming conflict and then by war. It made sense that she had no idea how to deal with the emotional fall out of her team’s experiences when she could barely comprehend the depth of her own loss. And from the sounds of things, mental health was not exactly on the radar for ancient Alteans, if they even _had_ an analogous set of conditions.

The trio stayed curled into each other for some time, taking comfort from the warmth and companionship of friends. And if they stayed until Allura had cried herself out, then no one was going to say anything.

Eventually, Hunk shifted and the atmosphere changed, switching from one of silent reflection to one that thrummed with the need to _do_ something.

Hunk pulled Allura and Pidge to their feet and pulled both women in for a tight hug. “So now you understand, we need to work out what to do.”

Allura nodded, “Indeed. It seems I have been remiss in my duties to care for my paladins. But I am unsure how to go about doing better in that regard.”

Pidge was staring off into space, “I’m not honestly sure either.”

“Maybe we should just start by making sure we spend time with each other?” Hunk’s very reasonable suggestion was made as they began to wander back towards camp. “Shiro was right, we have all split into our own factions and left Lance out in the cold. We can start there easily.”

Pidge and Allura nodded. “We can do that!” Pidge pumped the air as they walked.

***

As Allura settled in for the night, for the first time she allowed herself to truly think about the depth of her loss. It was almost too much for her to comprehend and it was mere moments later that she was crying into her pillow. But these tears, these did not feel like the others she had shed in recent times.

As she cried, she felt some part of her soul heal. And when she finally fell asleep, face pressed into a damn pillow and the mice curled up around her face, she was at peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of people commented that they thought Allura was bitchy, and this chapter is my explanation for that. I don't see her as a bitch, I see her as someone who is actually really young and has had her whole life shaped by loss and war. I have a headcanon that mental health wasn't exactly spoken about on Altea (it's a dead planet with little canon info, I do what I want) and Allura was raised to put her own needs aside because ruling with a fair and level head was more important.  
> She has never had the luxury of actually processing her loss, the closest we get is when she has to delete the corrupted memory of her father, but even then she is up and about quickly.  
> So either, a) Alteans don't process shit the same way as humans (likely as they are aliens) or b) Allura is just burying all that shit because she doesn't have time to deal with it. She has a war to win damnit!  
> I think it would be a combination of both a and b. So that is what this chapter is. Hunk and Pidge solidarity, teaming up to use their powers to protect Lance, but realising Allura actually doesn't understand what's going on and has no frame of reference for it.  
> I just see her as someone who expects everyone around her to function much in the same way she does. She's an only child from a very exclusive social circle who was then in cryo for 10,000 years. She's not going to be the most emotionally aware person in the universe.  
> Hunk and Pidge just want to help her to understand.
> 
> Thoughts, feedback, ideas appreciated. I am always chuffed to get comments and I hope you think I did the characters proud!


	6. Flerging

It was late morning when Lance woke to a face full of warm fur and a comforting weight settled over his body. It had been years and years since he had slept that well. No nightmares, no waking up every hour, no insomnia.

It was hard to say what the magical element was, but the gentle rumbling of Cosmo under his hands had to have played its role. To be honest, Lance was struggling to remember when he even fell asleep. He remembered “honesty hour” with Keith with painful clarity, but after that, it was all a bit of a blur. Had he fallen asleep while they were talking? Did he fall asleep later? Oh god, did he do something wrong or embarrassing?

With that thought in mind, Lance sat bolt upright and took in the slant of light coming through the walls of the tent. While he would never quite get used to the way the light looked and moved on alien worlds, he could tell it was later in the morning than he thought. They had decided yesterday morning that they should make an early start. Once again, he was holding up the team.

Swearing under his breath, Lance threw off the heavy covers and rolled out of his tent in a hurry. Cosmo teleported away in a huff at the sudden movement, not that Lance noticed in his haste. Tearing out of the tent, he ran head first into Shiro, who was beaming and holding a tray of food.

“Lance! You’re awake! Excellent, Hunk had _just_ sent me to get you up.” Shiro beamed and lifted the tray higher, “He thought these would help to convince you to leave bed.”

Lance frowned, “I thought we were meant to be leaving hours ago? I am sorry I slept in, I must have forgotten to turn my alarm on…”

Shiro grabbed Lance by the arm and steered him towards the fire, which had suddenly seemed to turn in to a makeshift kitchen. “Well we decided that a slower start to the day was in order. Hunk wanted to try cooking with this plant from this planet and to do that we had to make time to prepare the food.” Lance looked around at the rest of the team who were bustling around the benches and fire, following Hunks careful directions. Shiro smiled, “We decided to let you sleep in. I hope you don’t mind. We didn’t mean to make you panic.”

Lance was still frowning, “No, it’s fine. Though, you should have woken me. I could have helped with the cooking instead of just laying about.”

Hunk looked up and rolled his eyes, “Lance, we all know you can make precisely three meals and none of them have space vegetables in them.” Lance opened his mouth to protest as Hunk wandered over to join his friend. “Besides,” Hunk said in a much softer voice, “ You looked like you needed the rest.”

Lance’s mouth snapped shut with a click and stared at his feet. He could feel the heat rising in his cheeks and Lance was overcome with the urge to burst into tears..

Hunk threw both hands up in a panic, “I don’t mean it in a bad way dude! Just saying that it seems like the last week has really taken a lot out of you, and you could use a lazy morning.”

“I’m fine Hunk” Lance wasn’t making eye contact and was staring resolutely at the ground.

Hunk and Shiro shared a look, and Shiro made a mumbled excuse to go help the others. Who were also making a concerted effort to not listen.

Hunk gently pulled Lance off to the side and sat down on the large log that he and Pidge had interrogated Allura on the night before. “Look, Lance. It’s me, let’s just skip the bullshit and be honest yeah?”

“Oo—ohkay?” Hunk wasn’t usually this direct and it had Lance thrown slightly.

“We know what happened last night. I have a pretty decent idea about what is going on, but I wanted to hear it from you.”

Lance was blushing a furious red, and if his eyes could burn a hole in the ground, they would. “I’m not sure what you are talking about.”

Hunk let out a sigh and simply pulled his friend into a tight bear hug, “Yeah you do. You know, and I know and I need you to understand that I am here for you. I haven’t been recently. And I am so sorry that I left you alone. It wasn’t fair and you deserve better than that. We’re family Lance. You have been there for me through so much, it’s time I return the favour.”

Lance was trapped against the broad chest of Hunk, but to his horror, found the tears that had welled up in his eyes were now spilling over his cheeks. He didn’t remember giving his face permission to leak, yet here it was anyway, slowly soaking a damp patch in the front of his friend’s shirt. Hunk didn’t say anything, just continued to hold Lance tightly, one hand rubbing slow circles into his back, while he swayed them both gently back and forth.

Slowly, Lance’s eyes dried and Hank loosened his arms enough to get a look at his face. “So, you want to tell me what’s happening? Or am I just going to keep guessing and assuming the worst?” Lance let out a wet laugh, but Hunk continued, “Because you know me. I assume the worst on everything and if you don’t tell me what is happening, I am going to assume you are dying of space venereal disease because you are too embarrassed to ask Coran for space antibiotics.”

This time Lance laughed with real gusto, “How many times do I have to tell you, I use protection! _And_ you can’t keep calling everything “space” whatevers. At this point, _everything_ is a space thing.”

Hunk smiled, “you can’t stop me.”

Lance rolled his eyes, but the moment of levity was evaporating. He could feel the words bubbling up his throat, “I don’t know what is wrong. I just feel… It’s _too much_. It’s all too much and this is one of the ways to stop it. Hunk I feel so damn quiznacking stupid. I _know_ better than this. I should be able to get a handle on this, but I just fucking can’t and it gets so bad I can’t think or breathe or do _anything_ and ARGH!”

He pushed himself off the log and was angrily pacing across the clearing. Hunk scrambled to his side and put his large hand’s on Lance’s shoulders. “Lance, it’s ok. Seriously. You have as much control over this as I have of my anxiety attacks. Once it really starts, there is nothing _I_ can do to stop it. Only things I can do to make it shorter or more bearable. I don’t blame you for this any more than you blame me for my anxiety attacks.”

Lance threw his hands in the air, “That’s different though, you have a diagnosed issue, I’m just fucking myself up because I can’t hack the realities of this war. You are so damn strong Hunk and I am a fucking weak mess.”

Hunk closed his eyes and took a moment to be heartbroken for his friend. When Had Lance started to see himself this way? How long had all this been going on? “If we weren’t in space, or we had human space psychs, I am 100% you would have a diagnosable issue too Lance. Just because someone with a few degrees had me fill in a test and give it a title, doesn’t make it more real than what you are living with right now.” Hunk looked at Lance, trying to catch his eye again, “Just because no one had given it a name yet, doesn’t make it less shit.”

Lance drew a shaky breath, “Are you sure I’m not making this up? Maybe this is all for attention and I am actually fine and I am manipulating you all into caring about me.”

Hunk smiled sadly, “Lance, you do not have the ability to lie that well for starters. And secondly, I wish you could hear yourself. What you are feeling is real, and it is seriously shitty. We have made it harder by not supporting you as a team should, but we’re behind you all the way now.”

Lance was shaking his head, “You don’t know that, this could all be some elaborate ploy by me. I could be a very good liar, you don’t know!”

Hunk sighed, “Ok, well let’s say this is an elaborate ploy. What’s your end game here? What would you get out of this?”

Lance bit his lip, “More attention? Sympathy?”

Hunk shrugged, “You have that anyway. Even if you were happy and nothing was wrong I would still support you and be there for you. And even if everything was fine I’d still feel bad about not being around enough. SO what else are you getting out of this by lying?”

“Uhm… I, I don’t know.”

Hunk smiled, “Not a very elaborate ploy if you don’t even know why you are doing it, is it?” He paused, but Lance did not respond, “Don’t you think it is more likely that you went through something traumatic and you are having trouble coping? Even from a purely mathematical point of view?”

Lance had to agree, you couldn’t argue with maths, as much as he so badly wanted to.

“So here is what I am going to do, we’re going to spend time checking in with each other. We are going to talk, and the next time things get that bad, message me. If you end up self-harming, that’s ok. Sometimes you are going to slip up. It happens, but don’t hide how you are feeling. We want to help you, and that means telling up when you are really struggling. We can come up with a signal or something so it’s super casual. How does that sound?”

Hunk was looking down at his friend with such an earnest expression, that Lance couldn’t help but agree with him. So he just nodded dumbly.

The smile Hunk threw him in response was downright blinding.

“Thank you Lance. It will mean a lot to me to know you’ll tell me if things get dire. Make’s me worry less y’know?”

Lance nodded again, Hunk always managed to find away to make it about himself. That sounded horrible to think, but it really was a blessing. Lance couldn’t bring himself to take action for his own sake, but doing something to help a friend? That was allowed. In fact, it was encouraged. It would be selfish to subject his oldest friend to that kind of stress if it could be avoided. Lance took a shuddering breath, how much had he _already_ unknowingly put Hunk through?

Hunk frowned and put a hand on his friend’s shoulder, “You have your thinking face on. That is never a good sign. What’s going on in that head of yours, hmm?”

Lance swallowed and plastered on a smile, “Nothing! Everything is fine.”

Hunk raised one of his thick brows, “Well that’s Kalteneker shit. What’s happening?”

“I…. I just…” Lance trailed off.

Hunk sighed and pulled his friend back in to a hug, “Whatever it is, you can say it. I won’t judge you or blame you or anything else. But I think we now know that keeping this to ourselves is not helping.”

Lance nodded, “Yeah, I know. I just feel shit that I have put you through this.”

“Oh, buddy, no. Please don’t worry about that. I’m ok, really. I just know that you think you should be able to handle this alone and leaning on the team when you need it is something you want to avoid. So I’m asking you give it a try for me.

“If you won’t do it for you, do it for me. You’re not ‘putting me through’ anything. You’re just fulfilling a request from a friend.” He looked Lance up and down, “Ok?”

Slowly, Lance nodded, “Ok.” He agreed, but as he allowed himself to be steered back to the breakfast table, the feeling of shame settled deep in his gut. Lance vowed to be better. He wouldn’t impact on the team any more.

Hunk plonked Lance down at the table and placed a plate in front of him. Before he had a chance to feel self-conscious about being the only one not working, everyone else took their own seats and started to grab food from the amazing spread.

“So!” Hunk started, “I don’t have names for anything, because I can’t pronounce any of the ingredients. But, the one on the end would be like French toast, if French toast came out of an egg that grew on a vine. The yellow one _looks_ like a fruit, but tastes weirdly, meaty? and goes really well with the slices of bread, which actually have the consistency of scrambled eggs. The green stuff tastes like yoghurt and pairs well with basically everything at the other end of the table. Down there is a selection of berries and fruits that actually taste like they look like they should and we have been _promised_ they are not poisonous to carbon-based life forms.”

Lance chuckled in spite of himself, “Has anyone tried them yet to confirm?”

Pidge stuck her hand up, “I have! I’m not dead yet and since I am the smallest, I would be most affected by any of them, so you should be safe.”

Lance rolled his eyes, “Uh-huh. Well, if I die, this is on you then.” He was still smiling as he grabbed a spoonful of fruit and some of the yoghurt stuff and a side of not-french-toast. He was too busy tucking in to see the collective shiver that ran around the group at the mention of Lance dying. The moment was quickly buried under enthusiastic and cheerful grins and light morning conversation.

When the majority of the food had been polished off, Lance leant back in his chair. It had been some time since he had really felt like eating. Had the food today tasted better than anything they had had recently or was he just experiencing the full range of benefits that being hungry brought. In the last few weeks, he ate because it was meal time, not because he felt like he should, and the food always tasted like cardboard in his mouth.

He looked around the table, and everyone else was looking similarly satisfied, so maybe it was just the change in the food.

Shiro sighed and brought attention back to the day at hand, “Alright everyone. Let’s get things cleaned up and loaded, because it is time we make a start. If we have a lot of distance to cover, so we might as well get a start on it all.”

Everyone nodded and Keith began handing out the jobs. “Hunk you take care of the cooking supplies, I know you don’t trust anyone else to help you with them.” He turned to look at Coran who was standing with his mouth half open, “No Coran, not even you. Besides, we need you to fit all the camping gear back into the lions. No one else can do it quite like you can. Allura, can you please box all the camping gear up for Coran? Pidge, go pack up that sprawling mess of tech you got out. Shiro, can you check on Kalteneker and Cosmo? Make sure they are fed and ready to go. Lance can you check in with all the lions and make sure they don’t need anything.”

Everyone nodded and then separated to chase down their individual jobs.

Coran, who had to wait for the camping gear to be packed before loading everything onto the lions, trailed after Lance.

He watched as the paladin walked up to Red and slowly placed his hand on the side of the giant lion. Closing his eyes, Lance reached out with his mind and mentally checked over each of Red’s systems. When the Lion did not alert him to anything that needed attention, Lance used the connection to move through the rest of the lions, first Blue, then Yellow, Green and finally Black. It took some time, and when he opened his eyes, Lance was surprised to see Coran staring at him. He was leaning against Red’s side, not too far from where Lance was standing.

“The connection you have with the Lions is truly remarkable Lance. You have clearly put a lot of effort into building the relationship.”

Lance flushed and looked down at his feet, “It was important to me to make sure that I could check on everyone.”

Coran smiled, “Well you hard work has certainly paid off. There is no one on the team that feels unsupported by you.”

“Oh.. Thank you. That really means a lot.”

Coran smiled, “Lance… I want you to know that you can come to me about anything, at any time and I will be there for you. I know you have slipped under the radar recently, and have been left hurting because of it. But that’s not going to happen anymore.”

Coran slid down to the grown, with his back resting against Red, and gestured for Lance to join him. It felt awkward, but Lance complied.

“I know I can be a little silly sometimes, and that it is easy to find me annoying. I talk a lot and often go off on tangents, but I can be helpful when I’m needed.”

Lance looked up at Coran with a sense of shock, “Coran, I _know_ you are helpful. I like your stories and tangents and I think it is important that you can still make jokes and laugh. We’re fighting a war that began long before most human _civilisations_ began. I think someone who makes things a little more fun and a little less painful is an important part of the team.”

Coran chuckled, “Yes Lance, you are right. Someone who makes others smile is a _very_ valuable member of this team,” He looked at Lance pointedly.

Lance rolled his eyes, “Oh har har. Yes I see what you did. That’s different though. I just waste time and get in the way.”

Coran bumped his shoulder against Lance’s, “Time spent happy is never wasted, my friend. You are very young in some ways, even though you are so old in others. Take it from someone who really has lost everything, don’t undervalue what you bring to this team. We would not be the same without you.”

Lance nodded silently and tried very hard to ignore the tears that were definitely not welling up in his eyes.

“And Lance, what you are going through? It’s not petty, or unimportant and it doesn’t make you weak. If they were being honest with themselves, no one here could say they are unaffected by what they have seen these last phoebs. And just because Shiro has had an undeniably terrible time of it, doesn’t mean that no one else has.”

Lance coughed wetly, “It all just seems so insignificant compared to everything else though.”

Coran shook his head, “No. You know as well as I do that sometimes there is no rhyme or reason to the way things work out. Some things will mean nothing to you, while others will haunt you for a life time. I think being honest with ourselves about what has made an impact though, that is more important than what it was that made the dent in the first place. Regardless of what it was, you are struggling, and it is not fair to yourself, or to the team, to try to do it alone.

“They want to support you m’boy. Let them.”

Lance was openly crying now, he leant against Coran and allowed himself to be wrapped up in Coran’s arms.

“I can’t promise it will all be ok, but I can promise you won’t have to go through it by yourself.”

Lance nodded and brought his arms up to return Coran’s hug. Months ago, this moment would have felt like a failure, even earlier in the day a similar declaration had led to shame and self-loathing, but today, it just felt like a release. Suddenly, Lance was sobbing, but it was the calmest he had felt in a long, long time.

***

It had been hard to pick himself up from the ground, wipe his face off and face the team. Lance knew that he couldn’t fool them any longer, but he also had been told repeatedly, that they would be there when he needed them, and that it was ok to be on Struggle Street for a while.

Lance felt naked in a way he never really had before.

They all _knew_. They knew he wasn’t the perky, happy-go-lucky person he hoped he appeared to be, and they were ok with that?

He felt as if his whole world understanding had been thrown off course. Nothing here seemed to fit with the way Lance had thought social interactions were meant to play out. So yes. Naked. He felt uncovered and vulnerable and it was with some trepidation that Lance had made his way back to the group.

The next hour passed in a blur of final preparations for travel and last minute packing. Lance felt more helpful than usual, his night of surprisingly good sleep had him energised and it was easy to fall back into the rhythm of joking, flirting and bickering with the team. It wasn’t until he was settled in the pilot’s chair in Red that it all came crashing back down.

He heaved a heavy sigh and followed the others as they took to the air. Breaking through the atmosphere, Lance motioned for Red to follow the rest of the lions as he felt his brain start to slide offline.

“Ha! I won!”

A shout broke through his stupor and Lance swivelled to look at Coran, who was playing a game of some sort with the mice. Coran had one hand punched high in the air, and the other was throwing down cards with vicious flair. The mice groaned and threw their tiny paws up in frustration. Lance had forgotten about his passengers. He liked to score Kalteneker or the mice usually, but today he had Coran. Not that he did not enjoy the company of the man, but having to be social for longer than necessary took a substantial toll on him.

Sure, the trigger for everything going to shit was that one horrifying experience with the gorofil, but once he started to feel like shit, everything else seemed to pile on. It might have been the catalyst, but it was not the only issue. Lance had always felt as if he was out of place. Undeserving of his position and a breath away from being discovered. Being loud and brash meant that he was aggressively staking his claim on this space because, at any moment, someone was going to point out that it wasn’t his. And then that would be that. So you might as well make the most of it while you can, right?

So he wasn’t thrilled at spending the next five vargra pretending not to be a steaming pile of mental instability.

“Lance, come and play!” Coran looked around sketchly and stage-whispered, “I suspect the mice are using telepathy to cheat. The little devils are beating me 15-2!”

Lance smiled in spite of himself and managed to push his alarmingly heavy body out of the chair and joined Coran around the card table. He had no idea how the game worked but watching Coran play fight with the mice was entertainment enough.

It was a whole vargra later when the itch began to seep into Lance’s bones.

It started small, a persistent need to _move_. He paid it no mind and began to jiggle his leg.

From there, it progressed to a deep feeling that _nothing_ was sitting right and that something was profoundly wrong. Lance was never sure what it was, but it leeched his focus until it was at the corner of every thought. The need to fix what every it was became too much to bear and Lance made his way back to the pilot’s chair, hoping that there would be something in the flight path that could explain the feeling.

He checked in with Red and the rest of the team, leg still jigging up and down, though now the movement was beginning to border on frantic. Everything was fine, no one was in danger, nothing needed his attention. They were passing through a vast area of open space. No debris, no planets, no moons. Just vacuum and honestly Red could more than handle it alone.

Nodding to himself, Lance tried to get comfortable in his seat,  but every position dug _something_ in. His inability to get comfortable fanned the flames of irritability and soon the sounds of the card game in the background grated on his nerves. The quiet squeaks, the shuffle of cards, Coran’s frustrated mumbling. It all built into a buzz that seemed to be connected directly to his brain.

In a fit, Lance tore off some of the more irritating pieces of his armour and threw them to the ground.

Coran motioned for the mice to be quiet and he started to pay attention to what was happening to the paladin.

Lance was totally unaware and tried again to settle, shifting his weight around in the chair.

His breath started to come in faster and shorter bursts and the feeling that had started in his legs and feet had now taken up residence in his chest. It felt hollow and sharp, all at the same time.

Lance curled into a ball and tried to squeeze himself into a sense of comfort.

Coran sighed and made his way across the cabin. He crouched in front of Lance and took in the boy. His eyes were vacant and wide. “Lance? Lance, what do you need?”

Lance didn’t move, but internally he was freaking out. What did he need? He had no idea. He needed to move, he needed to breathe, he needed to be wrapped tightly in a ball, he needed to be jettisoned into space, he needed to see blood. His only reply to Coran however, was to absently begin to scratch his nails into his now bear arms.

Coran frowned and pulled the paladin from his seat. Lance barely changed position. It was lucky Alteans were rather strong, because Lance didn’t unfold or put a foot down or help in anyway. Coran just lifted him up as a ball and carried him to the rest portion of the cabin and laid him on the soft mattress. Lance rolled onto his side and stayed in his ball of limbs. Fine tremors ran through his body and the need to tear at the skin on his arms was beginning to build again.

Suddenly a heavy weight settled over him, and the hole in his middle began to fill. It was like putting a cool washcloth on a sunburn. It was still there, but the edge was definitely taken off. Lance felt his eyes slip shut as a hand carded through his hair.

When had his helmet come off? _Doesn’t matter…_

For the first time in what felt like phoebs, Lance let out a slow breath.

Coran smiled and readjusted the heavy gel blanket over Lance. He had no idea if it would help, but Shiro and Keith had both stated they found it comforting at times, so Coran had ensured that it was packed in the Red lion, ready to go. The mice had scuttled over and made themselves at home, curled up in various nooks and crannies created by Lance’s body contorted under the blanket. They were identifiable as spots of warmth under the comforting cool of the gel.

It took some time, but Coran noticed that finally, Lance was beginning to stir. He had never fallen asleep. No, there had been too much tension in his muscles for that. But he hadn’t exactly been conscious either, a curious state for a species without any known hibernation patterns.

So it was with some relief that Coran heard Lance clear his throat quietly and move a hand to stroke at one of the mice.

“Back with us m’boy?”

Coran did not receive a spoken answer, but he did feel the head under his hand nod slightly, and that was a good enough response for the moment. Coran hummed to himself and nodded. “Does this happen often?”

There was a pause before a small and cracked voice emanated from the blanket, “Not too often, no.”

“But it does happen.”

“Yeah. Probably a few times a week.”

Coran nodded again, “How do you usually deal with it?”

Lance started to shift, moving himself to a seated position, “Uhm, usually I just ride it out. Or try to distract myself. But sometimes I can’t and I either end up freaking myself out so much I fall asleep, or I uh…”

“You end up hurting yourself,” Coran supplied.

“Yeah, that.”

“Do you humans have a name for what just happened?”

Lance frowned, “I don’t know. It sounds weird, but I find it hard to explain or remember if it’s not happening at the time y’know? There might be a word for it. But I don’t know what it is.”

Coran smiled, “Excellent, that means we can give it a name. Flergerberger is an excellent name for it. In Altean it ‘For one to freeze when confronted with something’.”

Lance scoffed, “We say ‘Caught like a deer in the head lights’.”

Coran threw his hands up, “That is absolutely ridiculous. How can one succinctly explain that they feel like a meer in a headflight? That makes no sense what so ever!”

Laughing, Lance responded, “Well I am not saying Flergerburgen either.”

“It is ‘flergerberger, not flergerburgun.”

“Whatever, it’s a mouthful! How about.. ‘Flerging out’?”

Coran hummed, “Flerging out… Ok. I can work with that!” He smiled and turned to Lance, “So, Lance. When was the last time you flerged out?”

Lance flushed a deep red and looked to the floor, “I don’t know? A few days ago?”

Coran nodded, “And you usually have a lot of trouble coming down from a flerg?”

Nodding Lance looked up tentatively, but Coran just looked thoughtful. “Ok, we can work with this. We will create a Flerg Protocol! I told you Lance, we are behind you all the way with this. I promise I will help you in whatever way I can.”

Coran suddenly pushed off the padded bunk and strode to the cockpit. “Now! You sit there and rest, _I_ will fly this thing for the next while to give you a break!”

Lance raised an eyebrow as Coran plonked himself down in the pilot’s chair. “I flew a whole castle! A measley lion should be a walk in the park for an A Grade pilot like me!”

As soon as Coran put his hands to the controls, Red let out an almighty roar, that Had Lance doubled over in a fit of giggles, Coran clinging to the back of the pilot’s chair and all the other Paladins checking in.

In between fits of giggles, Lance made his way over to the still shaken Coran and stuck his head into the view of the camera, “Nothing to worry about everyone. Coran just tried to fly Red after calling him a “measely lion” and Red was making some feelings known.”

Keith doubled over laughing, “Oh man, _that_ would have gone down well! Good luck getting back on board when we stop for food Coran! Red has a nasty habit of holding a grudge!”

Everyone laughed as Coran slunk back to the back half of the cockpit, only to find the bunk he had been resting on replaced with a smooth panel of wall. “Oh come ON Red! You know I didn’t mean it!”

Lance laughed again as Coran was forced to settle down on the hard, metal floor. He looked rather disgruntled.

He was tired, but the gentle chatter around him from the rest of the team was soothing. It wasn’t long before he slipped into a peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I wrote this originally a few people asked me what the actual work for a 'flerg' was. I didn't really have an answer for them. Pretty sure now that it's how I experience anxiety attacks. I was confused because I have had panic attacks in my life, but they have all had clear triggers. These though, they came out of nowhere and ruined perfectly good days and situations and I could go from laughing and happy to curled up in a corned on the shower tiles trying very hard to convince myself that breaking my razor open and going to town on my arms was a bad idea. Or if it was too bad i would totally withdraw into myself and it would be almost impossible to get me to respond to anything.
> 
> But because the feeling felt so fucking alien, I couldn't work out what it was.
> 
> Writing this all down in a fic actually helped me to process it all and find out what the hell was going on in my head.


	7. Contact

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a NEW chapter. I've slotted it into the story because I needed it.  
> If you are an old reader coming back in, start again at the beginning. This baby needed a little reworking

Waking up was interesting. Usually, it was a quiet, yet tumultuous affair, because Lance usually woke up as a result of night terrors so real they followed him into wakefulness. Recently though, waking up had been different. Cosmo had taken it on himself to sleep on Lance’s feet and at the very least he never woke up alone. There was something about the warm, heavy weight of the space wolf that was settling. Hunk had rattled off something about deep pressure and parasympathetic nervous systems and vagal tone, but that all went over Lance’s head on the best of days.

And recently, it had not been the best of days.

Things were getting monotonous. The paladins had been hopping from planet to planet, stopping for just long enough to eat, stretch their legs and scout for resources. The thing Lance was thankful for was that someone always seemed to find an excuse to make contact.

The first time was Hunk, sitting in the pilot’s chair all day had left the man with a large knot in his muscles and he had practically _begged_ Lance to get his fingers into it. Lance smiled as Hunk moaned and groaned under his hands until the knot gave way and Hunk melted into a pool of contentment. The two men then sat against each other’s sides and joked until it was time to break camp.

Pidge suddenly needed his help working on Green, Keith wanted to go swimming and didn’t want to go alone. Coran was the least subtle of all. He just pulled Lance down to sit next to him and let their sides press together. Or just threw an arm around his shoulders as they worked. He was obvious and Lance low-key loved it.

The most surprising of all was Allura. She just plonked herself down in front of Lance one day and shook her long hair out. “Lance, you had sisters right?”

Lance froze before answering, “Uhh… Yes?”

“Excellent! My hair is heavy and it is hot in Blue’s cockpit. I really need it braided but honestly, after flying all day I am exhausted.” She turned to look at Lance who was still sitting slightly shellshocked, “Would you mind giving me a hand?”

Lance shook himself slightly, then beamed, “Not at all.”

They spent the next two hours together as Lance twisted Allura’s hair into a tight design that was intended to last several days. He held the bulk of it close to her scalp to reduce the pull on her neck but kept it soft enough that it was still feminine. When he was finally done, Allura smiled, “Thank you so much, this is exactly what I needed.” She stood and pulled Lance out of his seat, pushing him to the ground and claiming his seat for herself. She pulled him back to lean against her lap and worked her fingers through the paladin’s hair.

“If it isn’t too much to ask, do you think I could get you to braid it every few days while we travel? It would be a real load off to not have to worry about it.”

Lance tilted his head back to look at the princess, “It would be my pleasure.”

She beamed and continued to work her long fingers into Lance’s scalp, “In return, I’ll give you a scalp massage?”

Lance was already practically incoherent by this point and just groaned in response.

Shiro, who had watched the entire exchange with amusement, just chuckled. Allura looked up at the sound but didn’t stop running her fingers through Lance’s hair. She smiled at Shiro and turned her attention back to the task at hand. She didn’t notice as he quietly walked away, suggesting to the others that they find something to occupy themselves for awhile longer.

After some time, Lance became restless and eventually, Allura stilled in her movements. Sensing the change in the mood, she slid to the ground and turned to face the young paladin she had come to consider a friend. Allura frowned when she saw that Lance was once again wound up, rather than lax and quiet.

“Allura, why are you doing this?”

The princess froze, she was not sure what she had expected to hear, but this was not it. “Lance I am not quite sure what you mean?”

Lance worried at his lip, “Why are you being kind to me?”

She wasn’t sure what it was exactly that broke her heart more, the genuine confusion in his expression or the heart break in his voice.

Allura sighed and shifted so she and Lance could see each other more clearly. “Lance, I owe you the most sincere of apologies.” She coughed delicately at the awkwardness in the air, but pushed on regardless, “I have not made things very easy for you. Until rather recently, I held a rather negative opinion of what I have come to learn is termed 'mental illness' by your friends.

“This is not something that you should have had to deal with. I did you a grave disservice by not realising that I was further injuring you. That I would have hurt you less had I made you fight with a broken arm.”

Lance opened his mouth to interrupt, but the princess cut him off with a raised hand, “No, please. Let me finish.” She paused and looked at the ground, “I need to finish this.”

Biting his lip, Lance nodded gently.

“It would be easy enough for me to claim ignorance about these matters. We are from very different cultures and from very different times. I had no idea, for example, that humans could suffer from a faulty internal security system.”

At that, Lance could not help but interrupt, “What?”

Allura looked up and smiled slightly, “I have been informed that sometimes the human brain incorrectly classifies things as threats and leads the individual to process the situation through this filter. I have also been informed that the individual can do little to prevent this from occurring and for some people it may be manageable, but it is not curable.”

“I’m still confused princess.”

Allura smiled sadly, “Hunk and Pidge took great pains to explain some of your human conditions to me. They explained that Hunk’s internal security system had a malfunction and that he could not help it any more than Coran could help his case of the Slipperies.”

Lance chuckled, “Oh dear, I bet that was an eye-opening experience for you. I can't imagine being cornered by those two! I am sorry no one was around to stop them!”

Allura sighed, “While I appreciate the concern, I am glad they were not interrupted. These are things I wish I had known of sooner. How long have my expectations and opinions been shaped by an incomplete data set?”

She raised her eyes to meet Lance’s and he was struck by the genuine sorrow in them, “Lance, I have spent a fair portion of our friendship thinking you were cocky and weak. I saw your surface and brushed everything else off. When you no longer behaved in a way that aligned with who I thought you were, I assumed it was because you were lazy or trying to get out of work. I had no idea that you were suffering.” She had tears in her eyes and Lance watched on in amazement as the began to fall, “Please trust that had I known you were capable of this type of injury I would not have acted as harshly as I had done. Not only have Hunk and Pidge opened my eyes about your struggle, Coran has reminded me that you were not raised or trained for this life. You are truly a child who has seen too much.

“Pidge and Hunk also made me realise that Shiro’s suffering is greater than I had grasped and that his set backs are far from a weakness. I am not trying to excuse my behaviour, but… Explain, it. I should not have treated you the way I did. For this, I will never be able to make amends.”

Lance’s brain sat stunned for a moment before launching into gear, “Princess, no! How could we expect you to understand human emotions? Although we are similar in many ways, we are also rather different and it’s stupid to think that we can understand each other without talking it out! I don’t blame you, to be honest, you keep me working to be better, to fight harder and push myself further!”

Allura threw her hands up, “But you shouldn’t _have_ to work harder! You deserve time to rest!”

Lance laughed without humour, “We all do, but I don’t think we will get much in the way of a chance any time soon.” He sighed, “all we can do it keep putting one foot in front of the other until the war is finally over. _Then_ we can rest.”

Allura lent against Lance’s side, “It seems horribly difficult doesn’t it.”

Lance rested his head on top of the princess’s beautifully plaited locks, “Yeah. It really, really does.”

 


	8. Absent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was formerly chapter 7. If you are reading this because of a subscription notification, please head back to the beginning. I accidentally wrote myself into a corner through poor planning and therefore needed to make some changes so I could actually continue this.
> 
> The changes aren't massive, but I wrote a new chapter (which is now chapter 7) and I think if you start again from chapter 1 you'll find it all flows a lot nicer

The next movement brought with it the most stressful period of their journey. They had made it to the edge of the galaxy and were preparing for the vast stretch of emptiness that waited for them between here and their next pit stop. Sometimes, it was easy to forget just how _vast_ space actually was, but moments like this, where the paladins prepared to take off into a totally inky black void, with nothing much to guide them for some time, well, let’s just say it really drove the feeling home.

For Lance, it was tainted with bittersweet memories of home. The overwhelming emptiness of space reminding him of swimming out past the drop-off and realising that the water was deep enough to house a leviathan. A creature that was waiting to swim to the surface, open its maw and swallow him whole before returning to the depths.

He shuddered at the thought.

Pidge had told him once that there was a word for that fear of the deep. Thalassophobia. She had chosen to tell him all about it while they swam in a sinkhole on their last stop.

Lance loved the water, but he also acknowledged that it demanded respect and there was nothing wrong with being respectful of the freezing, inky blackness of deep water, thank you.

_Pidge._

He shuddered as he remembered the little gremlins words. Man, she could be such an ass sometimes.

Lance sighed and packed the last of his cargo for the trip ahead. There were a fair few downsides to travelling through space without the aid of the castleship. And one of the major ones was the loss of the teleduv. If they still had that miraculous piece of tech they could have rounded up the rebels and made it home by now.

But then again, if they had the teleduv then they would have the castleship, which means they would not _need_ to go home.

Bloody logic.

Keith mourned the loss of the training room, Allura missed her bed and Hunk actually cried over the destruction of the pantry. For Coran, the castleship was one of the last links to his family and its destruction hit him hard. He mourned the loss of the ship in the same way some would mourn the loss of a family member. But Coran being Coran, he kept his grief to himself. He needed to be the laughter of the team, because the only person who seemed to be taking the harder than himself, was Lance.

If asked, Lance would have said that he missed his bathroom with all his lotions and face creams. He’d laugh and lament the toll it was all taking on his skincare routine. ( _The dry, recycled air of the Lion’s is hell_!). The truth was though, that the worst part of losing the castleship for Lance, was the loss of the common area. He thrived on social contact, and in the forced isolation of travelling in the lions, Lance was starving. He was too anxious to _ask_ for it, but Lance needed that contact to function. An extrovert through and through, the lack of organic interaction was wearing him down and every little thing had started to seem like a carefully orchestrated scheme to freeze him out.

The days were passing in a blur of travel. Vast stretches of time went by in a haze of monotony, interspersed with bright flashes of activity. Lance began to lose track of exactly how long they had been travelling since they last landed on a friendly planet. It was one thing to be told how much emptiness there was in the universe, but it was entirely another thing to be travelling from one end to another without any external way to mark the passage of time. Without a planet to land on, there was no way to break up the days. Nothing other than Pidge’s alarm going off to mark what they assumed would be meal times. Lance found it… odd.

On one hand, the lack of activity meant that the team was more than happy for him to keep to himself for the most part. He was able to sleep when he needed, to zone out and just watch the nothingness flick by his screens. Lance finally was able to take some time out and allow himself to actually _rest_. The flip side of this was that the lack of routine and interaction had Lance finding more and more time to sink too far into his own thoughts. People took his quietness for a desire to be left alone when all he wanted was to be wrapped up in a blanket and put in the middle of a paladin puppy pile.

He couldn’t really think of a good way to ask for that though.

God, how he missed falling asleep together in the common room. With some Altean film playing on the projector and all the paladins piled together on the couch. Even when he was feeling low, Lance could just relax and lean into the silent support of the rest of the team. Now, when he slept, he dreamed of fountains of blood and hundreds of faceless beings calling out for help. When he was awake Lance sat still for vagras staring at the HUD, thinking nothing, but also somehow assuring himself that he was a waste of space and that vacating Red, to allow someone else to pilot the lion would be the wiser decision. When he tried to interact with the others, Lance was constantly distracted by flashes of violent and bloody thoughts. He would be laughing with Hunk when his mind supplied him with the image of his wrists split and spurting blood, or what it would look like if he were to bring his bayard down on his own hand.

When this would happen, Lance would spend some time trying to physically shake the images off. He attempted to distract himself with cards or jokes with the others, but inevitably he would be pulled out of the present but the paralysing nature of his internal struggle. As he slipped out of the conversation, Lance missed the concerned looks his friends shared.

The need to find a place to stop and take a breather had been the main topic of conversation for roughly the last 2 quintants. It didn’t take a genius to realise that Lance was slipping further and further into his depressive state, and the inability to land meant that transferring people between lions was rather difficult. Coran had done what he can, but the rest of the team was itching to shake Lance, to bring him out of the odd fugue state he seemed to spend a fair portion of time in. Hunk and Shiro shared a look across the comm link, it was reasonably clear that Lance had no idea how concerning his behaviour was becoming, but without the ability to land, no one really knew what to do about it.

It was a breath of fresh air when Pidge’s excited voice cut across the coms, “I found one!”

Coran looked up from the book he was reading in Red’s pilot’s chair. The red lion had let him take the helm more and more over the last few quintants, only adding fuel to the fire that was the team’s concerns. “Found what number 5?”

Pidge’s excited face appeared on the left of the HUD, while a blue and yellow planet appeared on the right. “I found a place to land for awhile. We are about half a quintant away from the Rhelomer system, and Rhelomer IV should be able to support us!”

There were general sounds of excitement across all the comms, but it was Shiro who addressed Coran specifically, “How’s he doing?”

Coran sighed, “Lance was doing ok for the first few days, but today and yesterday… Not so good. He’s just been laying on the cot, staring out of the observation panel.” He bit his lip, “Your species doesn’t have any hibernation or brumation habits, do they?”

Shiro’s shoulders slumped, “No, no we don’t.”

Coran nodded, “Good thing we will be landing soon then.”

***

It took Lance some time to break through the fog he hadn’t even realised had descended. He had no idea how long he had been laying on his side, but his hip was aching and his eyes felt dry. Coming back to himself felt like rising slowly through deep water if he had been free diving. Slowly the pressure of the deep was lifting and feeling and movement was coming back in degrees. He had no idea when he lost the ability to move his hands, but Lance wiggled his fingers slowly, just to see if he could. As he continued to surface, he became aware of an increase in chatter around him. He had no idea what was being said, it was still too muffled for that, but Lance was now aware enough to _notice_ the uptick in noise, and to also notice that he cared about it. Internally, he thought “ _Huh.”_ But externally, the change was a slight shift in facial expression and another twitch of the hands. Sensations began to creep back in, and Lance started to give conscious thought to increasing his awareness. Mentally, he kicked and pushed, propelling himself towards the surface. The tingles running up his legs prompted Lance to try flexing his calves, and then to shift his legs under the blanket. Suddenly, he was able to rub at his dry and tired eyes and with a great deal of satisfaction, roll onto his back and stretch.

As he pushed himself up and sat on the edge of the bed, the voices in the cabin snapped into focus.

“So, how long before we can land?” _That was Hunk._

“Well, I think we have about another 3 vargas until we get to the edge of the system, and then it should only be another 20 dobashes until we can pick a good spot to stop.” _Pidge._

Lance pushed himself up from the edge of the bed and stretched his arms above his head again, he grimaced as his spine popped in several places. Grabbing the gel blanket Coran had loaned to him, he made his way to the front of the cockpit.

The faces of the others grinned at him from the HUD and Coran turned to welcome him, “Lance! Excellent! Just in time to help us make plans for the next quintant.”

Shiro smiled, “Pidge has found us a place to stop and take a bit of a break.”

“The planet is in the Rhelomer system, and it looks like there might even be some places to swim!” Pidge’s enthusiasm was infectious and Lance found himself smiling back at their youngest member.

“That’s awesome Pidgey! It will be so nice to get out and really stretch our legs.” Lance’s smile was starting to feel forced, he let it slide from his face and yawned widely. “How long until we land?”

Hunk cast a critical eye over his longtime friend, it was so clear that Lance was trying, but just missing the mark. “Couple of hours. I don’t know about you all, but once we land, I am looking forward to some actual cooked food. I’ve had enough goo for the next while.”

Coran huffed, but everyone else nodded in agreement.

Shiro turned to look into the back of Black’s cockpit, “I should go and wake Keith. Give him the good news.” As he turned away, the comm link to Black clicked off.

Pidge nodded, “I think I also need to take a nap before we get any closer. I have no idea how long I’ve been awake, but if I’m thinking it’s time for bed, then it definitely is.”

Hunk nodded and his, Pidge’s and Allura’s comms also disconnected, leaving Lance and Coran alone.

Coran swivelled in the pilot’s chair and Lance found himself chuckling, “How’s paladin life treating you?”

Coran smiled, “I definitely could not do this full time. Red isn’t exactly my biggest fan, but the lions all seem to understand that some rotation of duties is going to be required on this trip.”

Lance nodded, “We can’t exactly have five of us fly all the time and the rest twiddle their thumbs.”

“Exactly.” Coran stood up and walked over to Lance, pulling him down to sit on the bench next to him, “How are you feeling today?”

Lance shrugged, “Much the same as always.”

Coran nodded again, “Can’t help but notice you’ve been pretty quiet these last few movements. Want to talk about it?”

Lance bit his lip, “I don’t know, it’s just been hard to focus while we have been travelling. I don’t know if it is the lack of routine, the fact that every day is the same, the fact that I’ve been sleeping like shit or something else, but it’s been hard to stay… present.”

“Hopefully some time with solid ground under our feet will make a difference.”

Lance nodded, “I really hope so.” He paused and looked up at Coran with sad eyes, “I don’t like feeling like this.”

With that one sentence, Coran’s heart broke a little. He slung an arm around the shoulders of his companion, pulling Lance in close. The boy’s head came to rest on his shoulder and Coran held him tight, willing him to feel the support he was offering, “I know m’boy. I know.”

***

Stepping out of Red’s maw and onto the soft, oddly springy ground was like taking a fresh breath of air. Well, it was literally taking a fresh breath of air.

“I know the lions are state of the art, but I would have thought Alfor would have put more thought into air filtration systems!” Coran stopped to take another deep breath of the Rhelomerian air. “A week in that tin can and I was beginning to forget what air that wasn’t full of food goo farts smelt like!”

Lance rolled his eyes, “Oh puh-lease. As if you weren’t the one responsible for most of it.”

Coran’s head snapped towards his cabin-mate, outwardly his features were arranged in a look of utter outrage, but inwardly he was chuffed that Lance was actually showing some of his trademark snark. “Well! I’ll have you know that high Altean _never_ fart! It is simply NOT in our biology!” He turned his nose up at Lance and crossed his arms for comedic effect.

“Coran, I clearly remember you ruining a banquet because you farted during a visiting diplomat’s speech.” Allura had wandered over and was smirking at her advisor who was rapidly turning an odd shade of red.

“I would _never!_ ” Coran replied indignantly, “That was not a fart! It was a…” He looked around frantically, searching for an idea, “It was Gorgonite!”

Shiro and Keith wandered over. Shiro was watching the scene play out with amusement, “Sure it was Coran.”

“It WAS! It was a pesky gorgonite, the long-fabled and rarely seen octopus-like plant with the power to turn invisible at will!” Coran crouched down on the ground and imitated the movement of the supposed plant, “They creep along the ground in banquet halls, stealing dropped food and unattended younglings! They are only identifiable by their highly specific mating cry!” He stood up, arms in the air and took in a deep breath “PPPFFFRRRTTTTBBBBBBBppppttbbbbrrrttttpppp!!”

The group erupted into laughter, “Of course, how could we forget?” Allura was wiping tears from her eyes as she looked around the group. To her delight, everyone else was holding their sides and laughing hard. Even Lance. She cast Coran a subtle glance and he looked at her with a knowing smile on his face.

Keith was the first one to regain any sense of control, “Ok, ok. Let’s get the camp set up and then we can all keep laughing at Coran.” He shook his head as he walked back towards the Black lion.

Hunk looked around suddenly, “We’re sure there is no one else on this planet right?”

Pidge sighed, “Well we can never be 100% sure, but all signs point to some animal life that is reasonably harmless, and not much else on this continent. On the next land mass over there looks to be rather large lizard-like animals with far too many pointy teeth to be herbivorous, but there weren’t any signs of those here.”

Hunk nodded, clearly unconvinced, “Oh, yeah. That’s good. No murderous lizards on THIS island.”

Pidge rolled her eyes, “What do you want from me? We wanted somewhere mostly safe to land and I found us one. Not my fault that only _parts_ of the planet are murderous lizard free.”

Hunk continued nodding and Allura cleared her throat, “Hunk, why don’t you go and get the kitchen set up? I think you’ll be happier if you are focussed on something _other_ than the giant lizards.”

“Yeah, ok. Sure. I can do that. Ignoring the prospect of being eaten alive starting right now.. I got this. Time to cook.” Hunk continued to mutter to himself as he stalked away from their campsite.

Allura shook her head fondly, “Pidge why did you have to tell him about the lizards?”

Pidge threw her hands up, “He asked!” She turned on her heel and stalked off towards Green, “Next time should I just lie? Quiznack…”

Lance looked across the scene with amusement. He stretched again and headed over to help out Hunk. Playfully, he bumped his shoulder against that of his longtime friend, “Y’know, Earth has plenty of murderous lizards. But only on some islands. I wouldn’t stress too much. If Pidge says it is safe, then we have to trust that it is safe. She wouldn’t put us in harm’s way for nothing.”

Hunk grimaced, “yeah I know. Doesn’t stop me from worrying though.” Hunk also neglected to mention that Pidge may have taken a risk on locations because everyone was so desperate to get Lance outside of the lion and actually see him for themselves.

Lance nodded in understanding, Hunk’s anxiety was always something he understood too well to be truly comfortable with. “And besides, you’ve got me! Your sharpshooter watching your back!”

Hunk laughed and pulled Lance into a one-armed hug, “True, how could I forget that?! No murder lizard would dare mess with you.”

Lance leant into the warmth of his friend’s hug and smiled. There was dirt under his feet, sun in the sky and a friend at his side. This would be the break he needed, he was sure of it


	9. Respite

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I know I said I would update more frequently, then immediately failed to do that. Gonna be better at it this time. *crosses fingers and tries very hard to type like that*

The island on Rhelomer IV was stunning.

Hot, but stunning.

The sand may have been a vaguely unsettling green, but the oceans were real salt water. It was non-toxic, devoid of dangerous marine animals and the temperature was pleasant enough to allow the paladins to splash around in the shallows. The rest of the island was lush and green, unusual plants and flowers providing a beautiful backdrop for this latest pit stop.

It may not have been earth, but if Lance closed his eyes, he could feel the warmth of the sun on his skin, the sand beneath his feet and the laughter of his friends playing some sort of ball game nearby. He opened his eyes and smiled as he took the few strides needed to make it into the water. The gentle waves lapped at his ankles and the water was warm. Smiling widely Lance ran forward until the water was up to his hips, then settled down on his knees. He watched the waves roll in and break on the sandbar a few meters out. What was left of their might slowly trickled into the calm bay.

Tipping his head back, Lance sighed as the cool water washed through his hair and washed away the sweat from the hike. Pidge, in true IT nerd fashion, had complained the whole way but seemed to settle once they got to the beach. She was now wandering around with Coran collecting random plant samples. Shiro and Keith were playing what looked like volleyball and Allura was laying in the sun and keeping score.

Hunk was… Somewhere...

Lance turned around looking for his friend and smacked straight into a tanned and toned wall. Lance looked up and squinted against the bright glare of the suns. Hunk quirked an eyebrow at Lance's sudden collision with his gut and in retaliation picked his friend up and unceremoniously dumped him back into the water.

“Oi!!”

Lance resurfaced spluttering and with green sand and kelp in his hair. Hunk fell over backwards laughing, “You didn’t even hear me coming!” He spluttered as he splashed around in the shallows.

“Yeah, I was enjoying the serenity of the moment! So sue me for letting my guard down!” Lance crossed his arms indignantly and stomped away.

“Hey, Lance!”

Lance stopped and threw Hunk a withering look over his shoulder, “What.”

“The walk away in a huff thing isn’t nearly as effective when you are wading through waist-deep water.” Hunk sniggered.

Lance rolled his eyes and made to storm off further before pausing. He smiled to himself as an idea came to him. Waiting for the next wave to roll in, Lance took a deep breath and ducked under the water and quickly swam back toward his friend, and grabbed Hunk by the ankle and pulled his feet out from under him.

Hunk went down with a crash and a very undignified scream. Lance stood up, shook the water from his eyes and laughed as the others turned to see what the fuss was about.

Hunk was back on his feet a second later and thus began the splash war. It wasn’t long before Lance was on Hunk’s shoulders and the two of them were seeing how high Lance could be thrown and how many rotations of a backflip he could make before splashing back down.

Allura looked on and smiled as she watched the paladins playing. It had been too long since they could take some time to just be _young_. Technically, it had been over 10,000 years since she had last carved time out of her schedule to just relax and let her hair down. Since waking up in the new millennium, Allura had felt the overwhelming urge to keep pushing forwards. She felt that if she were to stop and breathe, she would never start moving again. To stop was to stagnate and die, and it had almost taken the sanity of one of her paladins to realise how wrong she was.

It is true that any of them could lose their life at any time. It could be the Galra, or a virus from another world, a simple training exercise or a disease they already have. Humans, Allura decided, are very fragile. There were 5 small humans standing between the remains of the Galra empire and the free universe and Allura was terrified. She had let that fear drive her for so long, she had forgotten how to simply _be_. She had allowed herself to forget that the paladins of Voltron were not hardened warriors who had signed up to fight, but they were practically children who had fallen into this mess. Children who had been conscripted and had already seen so much and lost so many.

Allura allowed herself to acknowledge that she too, was barely out of her juvenile years. She had been a small child when the war started, but a 10,000-year cryo stay did not an adult make. For the first time, she truly considered everything she had lost. She’d never get to steal food from the castle kitchens, or smell freshly baked breanthnak in the mornings. Her father would never walk with her up to the waterfalls above the palace and she would never see the birds fly through the spray, their wings changing colours as the water hit their feathers.

Allura closed her eyes and prodded the feeling in her chest. After her talk with Hunk and Pidge, Allura spent time reflecting on her choices and the reasons she had reacted to Lance the way she did. She had not meant to be harsh, but she had unwillingly placed her own expectations of herself onto Lance. If she could keep going in the face of everything, then why couldn’t he.

Seeing it externalised like that made the princess realise she had not allowed herself to feel much of _anything_ for some time. Everything was muted. The feeling of pride that came with a successful negotiation, the fear that came with a covert operation, happiness found in the quiet and comfortable interactions with the team. The sadness and loss from waking up with no home and no family…

Turns out you can’t selectively tune out emotions. You get all of them, or none of them and making the conscious decision to accept the loss and heartbreak into the forefront of her mind felt like being hit by a large hot rock during a rock shower. It was impossible to grasp the sheer _volume_ of it. It felt like a cavern had opened in her chest and Allura was standing on the edge, tipping forward into the nothingness.

A hand on her shoulder pulled herfrom her own head. She looked up to find Shiro smiling hesitantly at her and Keith pressed against her side.

Shiro was kneeling in the sand, “You ok?”

Allura blinked and looked around, Lance and hunk were still swimming together and Pidge and Coran were nowhere to be seen. She paused, “Uhm, I think so?”

Keith leant against her side with more pressure, “You seem kinda lost.”

Shiro nodded and settled down on the sand, looking at her intently.

“I was just thinking about things. I never really let myself do that before I guess.”

Keith frowned, “By things, what do you mean?”

“Well, I was just thinking about how good it is for the team to stop and have a break occasionally, which made me think about _why_ I have resisted it for so long.”

Shiro nodded, “Did you come to any great conclusions on that front?”

Allura sighed and bit her lip. Why was it so hard to say things out loud? “I haven’t really let myself think about anything at all since you all woke Coran and I up. I guess I was just thinking about everything we’ve lost and all the people and things I will never see again.”

Shiro settled into her other side and looked out at the other paladins playing in the water, “You’re right. That is a lot.”

Allura nodded, “I couldn’t figure out why Lance was so torn up over the Incident when we have all seen and done so much that is worse.” She paused, but the two men just waited for her to continue, “I realised I never allowed myself to process anything that has happened. It just sort of… hit me… all at once.”

Keith pulled the princess into his side, “That’s really tough.”

Shiro nodded, “We can’t fix it or make it hurt any less, but this whole team will be behind you every step of the way.”

Allura quietly wiped away the tears forming in her eyes, “Thank you both. I do not know how I would be able to do it without you.”

Keith smiled, “See, that’s the thing. You don’t have to. We’re a team and we support each other. It’s just the way it is.”

Shiro stood up and brushed the sand off of his shorts, “Alright, now there is only a little bit of time left before it gets dark, and you _have_ to get in the water in that time.” He reached his hand down and helped Allura to her feet.

“Oh, I _Have_ to do it?” She stood and looked over at the two men who were now floating on their backs, staring up at the slowly darkening sky. “I suppose Hunk and Lance _do_ look rather too peaceful…”

Keith grinned and shouted, “Last one in has to milk Kalteneker!” before bolting across the sand and jumping to splash down next to a quietly floating Lance.

Shiro and Allura laughed as they took off after him and the five friends swam and watch the sunset over the beach.

***

The team was settled around the campfire after dinner. They had landed in a large field and created their own little space by using the five lions as walls. It meant a degree of shelter and privacy, with the bonus of having five giant space lions keeping watch. The lions didn’t sleep, so all the non-robot team members could actually relax for once.

Lance was laying on his side, front facing the fire with his head resting on Hunk’s lap. Pidge was on Hunk’s other side and Allura, Shiro and Keith were all leaning against Cosmo.  Coran looked across at his new family. He was so proud of each and every one of them. They had all achieved so much more than anyone could have expected and he knew they were more than ready to face the next challenge head-on.

Coran cleared his throat, “So! It seems like everyone had an excellent day today!” He beamed at the relaxed faces in front of him. “Shiro and Keith, I would say that you are extraordinarily lucky that the atmosphere here blocks a good deal more radiation than I believe your homeworld does otherwise you would both be rather sore right about now!”

Keith looked down at himself in surprise, “Huh.. Didn’t even think about that. It’s been so long since I’ve been out of a suit and outdoors…”

Coran nodded again, “Yes you are all lucky you manage to eat enough food goo, otherwise you would all be suffering from a nasty case of Bendy Leggies!” He clapped his hands in front of himself and continued, “But! To the main point, recent events have shown me how important it is for us all to have some extra skills in our first aid arsenal. Tonight we are going to talk about some techniques you can use to help someone else who appears to be having trouble with panic.”

Lance tried to look around subtly to see if anyone was staring at him, but each and every member of the team was focused intently on Coran. He bit his lip and tried very hard not to be self concious.

Coran settled down on the ground near the fire, “Alrighty, now this is called ‘Tissue Stress and Release”. It isn’t a technique for a time when you only have a few moments as you really need to have about a quarter of a vagra and the ability to lie down. If you get caught in a situation with a teammate who is panicking, your first job is to make sure everyone is safe. If the Galra are coming, it might mean calling for in therescue and covering the teammate until help arrives, or it may mean physically removing everyone from a dangerous situation. If you have some time, and there is no threat imminent, give this a crack. Ok everyone, lie down and get comfy.”

Coran looked at the group intently and when no one moved immediately, he glared at them and let his moustache tremble ever so slightly. They moved quickly once the tremble began.

“Excellent! Now, everyone take a nice sloooow breaaathh in... and ouuuuttt” He exaggerated his own breathing to guide the speed of the others. “Just focus on that for a moment, don’t worry about making the breaths deep, just keep them nice and slow and even.” Once the group had settled into an easy pattern he added the next step, “Now what we are going to do is to focus on one body part at a time, starting with your toes, I want you to scrunch them in a ball as tight as you can, but try to keep the rest of your body still. Now hold that for 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… and release. Feel the tension flow out of your toes and notice how limp and loose they feel. Next up is the lower part of your leg, feel it scrunch and stress. Hold it so tight that your toes start to curl towards the sky. Now hold it for another 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… and now allow yourself to relax.”

Coran narrated his way up the body in this manner, directing the paladins to feel the tension flow out of their muscles and into the ground as they let go of the stress they held in their limbs. Eventually, with Coran’s guidance, the paladins screwed their eyes shut as tight as they could go, before allowing their expressions to even out. “Excellent work everyone,” Coran spoke in a soft, hushed tone, mindful of the serene expression on the faces of those around him. “That was very well done. Just take a moment now to allow yourself to relish in the loose feeling in your bodies, the way you feel as though you have sunk into the ground a little. Your body feels loose and heavy and it would be easy to sleep now. If thoughts come into your heads, allow them to pass through. Acknowledge them, but don’t linger. It’s ok for your thoughts to stray, but try to come back to how your body feels where it touches the ground. Think about how hard your body works to keep you alive and safe and repay it by taking a moment to just _be._ ”

Coran sat back and watched the team lie back and listen to the sounds of the planet around them. Even Pidge managed to lie still for the whole exercise, though he did notice her repeat the cycle of muscle contractions in her legs once or twice.

“Ok everyone, I want you to slowly bring movement back to your bodies. Start by just twitching your fingers and toes ever so slightly. Allow the movement to travel up your limbs until it reaches your chest and head. And when you feel ready, slowly open your eyes and sit up.”

Slowly, the paladins began to rise. A few of them stretched and most of them yawned.

Shiro rubbed the back of his neck, “So, who’s ready for bed now? Because for once I feel like I could sleep.”

Lance chuckled, “I could definitely use the sleep.”

Pidge actually seemed to  _be_ asleep and absolutely no one had any plans to wake her. The beauty of being the smallest on the team was that it was easy to be carried and then tucked in. There was an unspoken agreement amongst the members of Voltron that when Pidge was finally in bed, you let sleeping gremlins lie. If she was woken, there would be a lot of grumping, and then a refusal to sleep for another stupid period of time and then the next crash. It was usually best to let her do her thing the first time around.

Lance pulled himself to his feet and made his way over to Coran, offering the advisor a hand to help him up. “Thank you for sharing that exercise with us. I feel like it was really useful.”

Coran beamed at the young paladin, “I’m glad you think it will help! It would be a lie to say I was not thinking of you when I found it, but it seems as though it has had a positive effect on everyone.”

Lance nodded and turned to look back at the team, Shiro and Keith were pulling beds out of one of the storage compartments, and Allura, the mice and Cosmo were wandering around and checking on the lions. Soon the particle barriers were up to keep out any wildlife and the flying invertebrates, and Hunk was gently rolling Pidge into her sleeping bag, taking off her glasses and propping her head up on a pillow. Lance smiled at the simple domesticity of it all, “Yeah, I really think it has.”

He quickly grabbed his own sleeping gear and set up his bag close enough to the fire for warmth, but far enough away to avoid accidentally setting himself on fire during the night (now THAT had been a fun learning curve). He knew tomorrow they had to leave the planet and move on to the next leg of their journey, but for now, Lance was safe and warm. Surrounded by people who had become his family. The struggles of tomorrow could wait for the start of the new day.

***

No moment can last forever and it felt like seconds later that everyone was repacked and set up in their lions, ready for another long leg of travel. Lance hoped dearly that the directions they had been given would get them back to the Blades of Mamora and to Matt because otherwise, this was just a giant pain in the ass.

Lance was in the pilot’s seat of Red when it happened. Coran had been flying for the first few quintants, but Lance had insisted he was fine to take over. He had a beautiful day in the sun yesterday, he was feeling good and ready to take on the world.

Ready to take on the world did not, apparently, translate to “ready to take on half a Galra fleet”. 

The battle had started before anyone had time to really acknowledge what was happening and it wasn’t long before Lance felt the haze of panic creeping in. He piloted Red as best he could, with Coran standing firmly at his shoulder, an ever constant reminder that he was not alone, that he was supported and valued. Together, Lance and Red weaved through the oncoming fire to get past defences and take out vital components of the enemy fleet. Red nudged at Lance’s mind, keeping him on task and focussed as his mind started to wander. Lance could feel Red’s irritation and frustration at the minuscule lag that was normally absent from their connection. To an outsider, it did not appear that anything was wrong. They worked almost flawlessly as a team, evading attacks and doing what Red does best, flitting in, dealing a whole heap of damage before flitting back to safety.

But it wasn’t enough.

Moments later, a cry of dismay came down the line from Hunk.

“Uhh guys, I can see another battleship coming up on the display. This one seems to be packing fairly heavy artillery!”

“Hunk is right, it’s a class of ship we haven’t come across before. I have no idea what it is capable of.” Pidge was out of breath, which was unsurprising given the amount of effort she was putting in to keep up with the heavier hitting fighters.

Lance looked around his display, every lion was accounted for and relatively undamaged, but it was clear that they were about to be surrounded.

Keith seemed to share his assessment as the next words across comms were “Alright team, let’s buckle down and get ready to form VOLTRON!”

Coran gave Lance’s shoulder a squeeze before hastily securing himself in  the small passenger’s compartment. Lance took a deep breath as he prepared to fall into position. He prayed to whatever higher power that may be listening to hold off the panic and haze that was beginning to creep into his mind. This was not the time for it, it would have to wait to be dealt with until there was some room to move and time to spare. Gritting his teeth, Lance allowed himself to be pulled into the formation. He hoped that pigheadedness was enough to get him through this because that is all he had.

A yell pulled itself from Lance’s throat as the great machines fell into place.

There was no room for doubts now…


	10. Danger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I TOLD you I was going to do better at updating frequently!

Lance knew he was in trouble the second the transformation sequence was finished. Usually, there were five clear voices in his head once they merged. Five clear voices, where no paladin was louder than another and thoughts flowed easily and instantaneously between the quintet.

Today though… Today Lance felt as if everything was muted and his mind wandered. Lance’s focus was usually blinkered during a fight when Voltron was needed. Nothing outside of Voltron mattered and time fell away. It was freeing, in a sense. Lance was usually able to forget about everything and throw his whole being into Voltron, to merge fully with his team and act as a flawless team.

This time though, something was off. Spoken communication from the others was coming in just fine, but the mental connection seemed… _Off…_ It felt like it was filtering down through thick, wet earth and falling onto his head in drips and drops.

If Lance thought about it, he even felt heavy, as if there actually _was_ layer after layer of earth above him, pressing him down into his seat and slowing his movements.

Everything _felt_ slow and heavy, but Lance realised all this in the time it took Voltron to pull to its full height. He shook his head sharply and plunged his bayard into the port to activate the blazing sword. He could _do_ this.

Lance _had_ to do this. They had no other choice.

Keith was doing his thing as the head of Voltron and taking charge. “Alright everyone, this is going to be a close one! Hope all of our passengers are strapped in and ready to hold on!”

There was a small chorus of affirmative noises as the Galra began to encircle them from all directions. Lance felt the pull to bring the sword into a fighting position as Pidge pulled the shield up to defend. He was a step behind, but this dance was well practised and psychic link aside, all five paladins knew the steps.

Lance swung the sword in a wide arc as Allura brought Voltron a step forward, allowing them to slice through several of the more poorly shielded vessels.

Vague curiosity and interest filtered through the mind link, maybe since there was no one around with Voltron’s hitting power, they had sacrificed the high power shields for heavier firepower.

If that was the case, then maybe the paladins were in luck.

Spinning around rapidly, Pidge raised the shield just in time to catch a blast from behind them.

“Looks like we were right everyone…” Pidge sounded strained.

Coran coughed from somewhere behind Lance, “Fill us in for those of us without the mindlink?”

Keith answered as Pidge took another three strong hits in short succession. “Voltron has been gone, so they stopped building shields to withstand our hits, and put it into firepower instead.”

Lance couldn’t afford to pay attention to the conversation, his whole focus was on the swing and thrust of Voltron’s great sword and the targeting of the shoulder cannon. The fight was quickly becoming time sensitive and Pidge’s ability to take hit after hit was the limiting factor.

“Ok, let’s just take down as many of the heavy hitters as we can as fast as we can.” Keith was verbalising things. It was probably for the benefit of Shiro and Coran, but Lance was incredibly grateful. The mind link was moving far too slowly for him to get his order’s that way.

Lance switched his targets from the closest ships to the ones that appeared to pose the biggest immediate threat. It was lucky that he had piloted Blue previously because he knew how she worked. Lance knew he could rely on her to feel where Red was headed and move accordingly. Moving left and right and spinning when needed, they sliced their way through ship after ship. Hunk had taken over the canon targeting and was picking off ships that were out of the sword’s long reach. Pidge had stopped replying to conversation verbally and through his muted mental link, all Lance was getting from her was a sense of fierce grit and determination.

Lance threw himself into the fight, allowing Red to guide his decisions. He didn’t usually allow himself to take such a mental step back. Fighting with Red as his guide meant basically cutting off mental communication with the others, with Red “speaking” for both of them. Usually, that was a huge disadvantage, but today, it was a barely noticeable change. Lance started to lose himself in the primal urge to fight and defend the people he had come to love.

Time stopped passing with any meaning beyond the _slash, thrust, slash, parry, feint, slash_ of the fight. Red moved instinctively with the other lions, ensuring they remained a fairly cohesive unit, but Lance’s focus narrowed to that of the point of the sword. He didn’t even notice the strain that was starting to pool at the back of his mind.

If Coran had been able to break into his focus, he would have told Lance that this kind of bond was intended to be reserved for life and death situations. That it would allow both Lion and Paladin to fight longer and harder than a human body would normally allow. That Lance would not be able to tell where his limits were, that they would start to lose the ability to differentiate between enemies, relying on base instincts to take on whatever happened to cross their path.

From his position in the passenger’s cot, Coran could see the growing strain on Red and Lance. He could see the Paladin’s hands shaking and it had been some time since Lance last noticed his increasingly desperate attempts to get his attention.

With the threats diminishing rapidly and his concern for Lance growing, Coran unbuckled himself from the passenger seat and stumbled forward into the cockpit. His fears were confirmed when Lance didn’t even notice when he came to stand by the paladin’s shoulder. Lance was staring straight ahead, eyes almost unseeing and he wielded Voltron’s sword. Sweat was beading on his brow and his face was growing paler and paler by the minute.

Coran tapped at the comm in his ear and opened a direct line to Shiro, “Shiro, we need to break out of Voltron.”

The former paladin was understandably confused, “What?! Why?”

“Something is wrong with Lance. He’s not responding to me at all, and he looks like he is going to pass out at any moment.”

Shiro headed up to the cockpit himself and took in the fight. It was almost over, thanks in no small part to the work Lance had been putting in as the right hand of Voltron. If Lance was struggling as much as Coran thought, how was Voltron still standing? “He’s still fighting though.”

Coran nodded, “Yes, that is what worries me.”

Shiro furrowed his brow, “I don’t understand.”

“Shiro he is totally unresponsive to me and I am literally standing right next to him. He isn’t hearing me, he isn’t feeling me poke him. All he is seeing and hearing is the fight.” Coran grabbed on to the back of the pilot’s chair as Lance landed another particularly violent hit. “I’m worried he has allowed himself to meld fully with Red. Ask Keith if he can get through to Lance on a mental level.”

Shiro nodded to himself and slid in next to Keith, “Hey, can you tell me how Lance is doing right now?”

Keith looked at Shiro quickly, obviously irritated. “He’s as fine as the rest of us, we just need to,” Keith paused and grit his teeth as a smaller ion blast hit Voltron square in the chest. Keith shook his head and refocussed, “We just need to finish this and then we can deal with everything.”

“No, Keith, Coran is really worried. Can you please just check in with him?”

“Can’t you do it? I’m a little busy at the moment!”

“I know that. The issue is he isn’t answering.”

At that, Keith stopped and turned towards Shiro, “I’m sorry, what?”

“He isn’t answering. Coran is literally standing right next to him, and he is totally blank.”

Keith paled slightly before another knock to the shield drew him back to the controls, “Right ok. Black can you just deal for 2 seconds?” Keith must have gotten an affirmative answer because he leant back and closed his eyes. There was a moment of stillness in the midst of battle and Shiro felt his heart pound as he waited.

Keith opened his eyes and shouted, “Everyone! Fall out! We need to finish this separately!”

There were three nods of acknowledgement and then the bright blue glare of Voltron separating into the five lions. Keith and Shiro watched with horror as Red didn’t even slow following the separation just dove in to finish the remaining cruisers with a frightening display of ruthlessness.

Keith broke free of the movement and dove after his friend, attempting to back him up and watch his back. Shiro stumbled backwards and re-took his seat. He was suddenly aware of Coran shouting in his ear.

“—iro! Shiro! What did Keith say?!”

Shiro coughed, “He didn’t say anything. I asked him to check on Lance and then suddenly he ordered the split. He hasn’t said anything at all.”

“Quiznak.”

Lance and Keith were finishing up on the last of their two cruisers and turned around just in time to see a third charging its ion cannon, aimed directly at the flagging Green Lion. Red shot forward, jaw blade drawn and ready to destroy the threat to the pride, but the blow came a millisecond too late. The last ships were destroyed in time for everyone to turn and see the ion blast hit the green lion square in the chest.

The battle was over, but green was floating aimlessly in space.

“PIDGE!” Hunk cried out and urged yellow to get to her as fast as possible.

Allura sucked in a sharp breath, “Hunk! Grab her gently, the lion is powered down and we need to get her on solid ground right now. The mice are on board, Pidge is out of the chair and she’s not responding to them.”

Hunk, in an uncharacteristic display of composure, simply nodded and Yellow grasped Green gently in its maw.

Red was hanging still in space, and Coran used Lance’s display to pull up local star maps. “There is an allied planet not too far from here. I have sent out a distress signal already.”

Keith nodded, “Excellent. Send us the coordinates and we can meet them halfway.”

It was a long few minutes, but eventually, a reply to the distress call was picked up, “The Grentloo have responded to our call, they are willing and able to help and there is a medship en route.” Coran sighed and flopped to the floor next to the pilot’s seat in Red’s cabin. “Head their way now. We can dock on their medship.”

Coran ran his hands over his face, this was a mess. An absolute mess.

With a huff, he pushed himself to his feet and put himself between Lance and the heads up display. He gently removed Lance’s helmet and took in the boy’s too pale face and unseeing eyes. Red was still tailing smoothly along behind the other lions, and Coran hoped dearly he would continue to do so. He pressed a few buttons and patched through to Blue. “Allura? We have a situation.”

Allura’s concerned face appeared on screen immediately, “What has happened? Is it Lance?”

Coran sighed, “He has gone non-responsive. I am worried he has twined his quintessence too deeply with Red.”

Allura’s brow furrowed, “That should not be possible except in the most extreme of circumstances.” She paused, “And Red should know better.”

Coran nodded, “Perhaps the danger to Pidge was considered severe enough to warrant this response.” He looked at his Princess, “I need help to separate them. I can’t seem to get through to Lance.”

Allura nodded, “It would best be done once we dock. That way I can be there to assist.”

“I just hope he can hold on for a little longer.”

“He can.” Allura paused, chewing her lip in an uncharacteristic display of uncertainty, “He has to.”

***

The second Blue had her feet on metal her jaw was opening and Allura was sprinting out. _Look after him._ She had said. _He may no longer be my paladin, but he will always be my cub._

Allura nodded and made her way as fast as possible towards the Red lion. He was waiting for her, crouched down and maw open. She did not even hesitate as she ran up the steps and straight into the cockpit where she found Coran crouching down in front of Lance who was still in the pilot’s seat. His hands were grasping the controls and he was staring straight ahead. Coran looked up at Allura and his eye’s begged her for help.

She took a deep breath and made her way to the catatonic paladin. Placing a hand on his neck, Allura reached out with her own quintessence. What she felt was terrifying.

The poor boy was very nearly depleted and it seemed to be draining more and more every moment. Feeling out further, she felt the link between Lance and his lion. What should be a thin cord of connection with an equal flow in either direction, was a waterfall. Lance was lucky he had so much spirit, a lesser human would have been dead by now. Allura wrapped herself around Red and spoke directly.

“My dear lion, you must help me Lance is trying to give you too much. He has almost nothing left to give.”

There was a deep, unhappy rumble within her mind, _I cannot make him stop._

Short, to the point. Allura liked the red lion.

“Would you trust me to fix this?”

_Please. I do not want my paladin to be hurt._

Allura nodded and allowed her energy to flow around the three of them, digging into any and all cracks she could feel. Slowly, painfully slowly, Lance began to come away. The waterfall decreased to a trickle and with some coaxing, Red poured life back into the boy.

Slowly opening her eyes Allura found Lance on the floor, being cradled by Coran. “Were we fast enough? Will he be ok?”

Allura frowned, “I think so. This is going to take quite some time to recover from though. We should get him into the med ship. He needs to be assessed.”

Coran nodded and lifted the boy easily. Together they quickly made their way into the triage bay of the ship.

The Grentloo were not mystical healers or a planet of doctors. Like most races, everyone had their own skills. The paladins were fortunate enough to have been on the correct side of the solar system as a medical envoy. The ship spent its days travelling between planets in the system offering more specialised care to remote citizens.

Today, they offered assistance to the paladins.

Pidge was taken and put immediately into a healing pod. With prompt treatment, her injuries were not considered overly serious. A fractured rib, a broken wrist and a concussion. With the use of the pod, she would be up and around by the end of the week. Without it, it could have been months before she was able to fly again.

Lance, however, that was not such a simple fix.

Hunk, Shiro, Keith and Allura stood around the foot of the bed while Coran spoke in hushed tones to the nurse. Nodding to each other, the nurse left and Coran turned to address the others. “Physically, Lance is suffering from a reasonably degree of muscle strain from the fight, but he should recover with rest and some pain management. The bigger issue is the quintessence depletion. We have a couple of options there.”

Coran looked to Allura who nodded and continued, “Over time, quintessence will regenerate, but it could take weeks before Lance is able to function normally again. The other option is that I take a little from each of us and pass it on to Lance.” All three men listening opened their mouths simultaneously, “I know, I know. You are all keen. But you need to know that this is not a fun procedure. It can be very uncomfortable.”

Hunk, Shiro and Keith looked at each other, nodded, then looked back at Allura, jaws set and eyes stubborn and hard.

Allura chuckled, “Well alright then. Let’s get this over with.”

The three men stepped closer to the bed as Allura waved them into position. “What we’ll do is take a little from each of you and then I’ll channel it into Lance. Having your quintessence harvested hurts.” She looked at the paladins and willed them to understand what was about to happen, “It feels like someone is taking a part of you. But it hurts a lot more if you try to resist. You have to try your best to breathe through it and relax.”

Shiro coughed out a half laugh, flushed and averted his eyes suddenly. Coran cocked an eyebrow, and Hunk and Keith stared resolutely at Allura, determined not to acknowledge what just happened. Allura looked at the three paladins, “What. Did I say something funny?”

Shiro cleared his throat and returned her stare, “Nope, not at all. Continue. Please.”

“Ooohkaayy then…” Allura looked perplexed but pushed on regardless, “We will do this one at a time and Hunk I feel it would be best if you go first. Then Shiro and then Keith.

Hunk nodded, the previous moment’s levity had quickly evaporated, “What do I need to do?”

“It would probably be best if you sat down, but other than that nothing special.” She gestured to one of the empty chairs and Hunk sat on the edge, the picture of tension.

“As I said, you must attempt to relax.”

Hunk bit his lip, “Let’s just get it over and done with. The more we wait, the more freaked out I am going to get.”

Allura smiled gently, “It’ll be over soon. Now take a nice slow breath and close your eyes for me.”

Hunk did as he was instructed and tried very hard to clear his mind and allow his thoughts to settle. Everything kept coming back to Lance though. He thought of everything they could have done to help, to make this easier, to have prevented this from happening.

As Hunk’s anxiety began to snowball he noticed an itch at the back of his mind. Once he was aware of it, the sensation only seemed to intensify. The itch turned to a burn as Hunk felt himself be stretched, Allura was right, this _hurt_.

Instinctively, Hunk tried to clamp down, hold himself together with all his might. The burn intensified. He felt as if he was being pulled limb from limb. Like his very atoms were being spread apart.

_Hunk, I told you. You must relax._

Panting, Hunk nodded and tried to breathe. To his indescribable joy and relief, the pain decreased. It still hurt like hell, but after the absolute torture of before, this was manageable.

Then, as fast as a light being turned off, it was over.

Hunk collapsed back into the chair. He was sweating, his muscles ached and he felt as though he had run a marathon. He turned his head to look across the room at the others. Keith was staring at him in horror, while Shiro looked vaguely resigned.

Allura was bent over Lance, a hand on his chest and faint pulses of light escaping around the edges. As she worked, some colour returned to his face and there were changes on the monitors that Hunk didn’t understand, but that Coran looked pleased with.

Rounding the end of the bed, Coran came and crouched in front of Hunk. “You ok?”

Hunk huffed out a mirthless laugh, “I feel like I have been hit by a truck.”

Coran nodded in sympathy, “Yeah that sounds about right.” He stood up and held out a hand, “Let’s get you up and across to the bed. From experience, you are going to feel a lot better after some solid sleep.”

Hunk allowed himself to be pulled up and bullied into taking off his shoes and armour and climbing into a hospital bed. He sighed as he sunk into the clean sheets.

“You were right, this _is_ helping,” Hunk slurred. It wasn’t long before his eyes slipped closed and he was out. His last thought was of Lance, of hoping they had done enough and that he would be ok soon.

Keith watched the entire affair with apprehension, “So… That did not look fun.”

Shiro sighed, “It hurts a lot more if you try to hold on. Hunk forgot to allow Allura to take what she needed.”

Keith squinted at his older brother, “You sound like you are speaking from experience.”

“I’d really rather not talk about it if that’s alright with you?”

Keith nodded slowly and allowed the subject to be dropped. He looked at Shiro and bit his lip. The subject might be dropped, but something was wrong here.

Shiro nudged Keith, “Do you think it would be ok if you went next? I uhh, I need a moment.”

Keith narrowed his eyes but acquiesced. He took Hunk’s recently vacated seat and turned to Allura apprehensively. “I think I am as ready as I am ever going to be anyway.”

The Princess took a deep breath and made her way around to Keith, “Alright, eyes closed, deep breath and starting in 3.. 2… 1..”

Shiro looked on with grim determination as he watched Keith start to sweat. At least he seemed to be fairing better than Hunk. He did not seem to be struggling as much and the process was a lot faster. It was not long before Allura was transferring another batch of quintessence into Lance and Keith was trying desperately to stand under his own steam.

Coran smiled fondly at the attempt before taking pity on the leader of Voltron and helping him into a bed beside Hunk. Keith murmured his thanks before fixing Shiro with a steely glare. “Are you sure you should be doing this?”

Shiro rolled his eyes, “Just pass out already Keith. I’ll be fine.”

Glaring some more, Keith’s supporting arm began to wobble and he was suddenly flat on his back with an “ _Oof_ ”.

Shiro smirked at him before he set his jaw and came to stand in front of the chair.

Allura looked at him with suspicion, “Are you sure you are ready for this?”

Shiro shrugged, “I honestly have no idea.” He looked down at Lance, “But I need to do this.”

Allura looked at him with understanding and Coran clapped him on the shoulder. “Ok m’boy, but no matter what happens, we’ll be right here waiting for you.”

“Thank you. I know you will always be here for me.”

Coran kept the comforting hand on his shoulder as Shiro took his seat and looked up at Allura, “I’m ready.”

She took a deep breath and began to work.

Shiro’s mind was nothing like that of the other two. Hunk’s quintessence was gentle and warm, while Keith’s was tempered fury. But Shiro… Shiro was already so scarred.

They were healing, slowly, but it was clear this was not the first time someone had had their hand’s inside Shiro’s soul. Allura heaved a sigh as she looked for the best place to start to work. She was hesitant to touch anything that looked unblemished, wanting to leave Shiro with as many pieces of himself whole as possible, but she also needed something healthy for Lance. In the end, She wrapped her self around a new shoot of energy. It was like a tendril on a sapling. It was full of promise and life and she could feel Shiro smile as she began to harvest it. He made no effort to stop her whatsoever and the only sign of discomfort was his short and shallow breaths.

Having taken what she needed, Allura separated herself from Shiro as quickly and smoothly as possible and wasted no time in turning to Lance. She slipped back into his soul and used the little sapling to encourage a new area to begin to bloom and grow. The shoot took well and quickly began to meld with Lance’s own spirit. Satisfied with her work, the Princess came back to herself and looked around the room.

Shiro was doubled over in the seat and Coran was pulling the younger man into his arms.

Allura walked around the pair to check on Hunk and Keith and used the opportunity to lock eyes with Coran. She tilted her head in question, and Coran smiled sadly in return, then gestured to the door with his head. Allura nodded and, happy that the other paladins were resting comfortably, made her way from the room.

Coran held Shiro as he sobbed into his shoulder. The former paladin apologising over and over in a mess of “sorry”s and “I don’t remember”s. Coran just rubbed Shiro’s back and whispered meaningless comforts into his ear until he began to tire, the strain of the missing quintessence winning over the wall of emotions.

Seeing his chance, Coran moved Shiro from the chair and into a bed, hoping that he would at least be tired enough to sleep without dreaming. Once the donors were all out like lights, Coran moved to check on Lance again. The transfer had been successful and Lance had transitioned from “coma” to “exhausted and asleep”. Smiling to himself, Coran left in search of Allura.

***

Keith was the first to wake and his first stop was Shiro. The older man seemed to be sleeping reasonably peacefully and satisfied with his findings, he stumbled over to Lance. The readings on the monitors were foreign to him, but there was a lot less red and a lot more green than there was previously. Assuming the Grentloo had a similar system to most other cultures they had encountered, Lance seemed to be improving. Keith grasped the hand of his friend tightly and settled into his bedside.

“You worried us a lot mi amigo, you better wake up soon so I can yell at you for that quiznacking stupid move you pulled.”

Keith sighed and closed his eyes, “You took a bloody stupid risk and you almost paid a terrible price for it.”

“I’m sorry…”

Keith jumped as a raspy voice startled him from his thoughts.

Looking up, he could see Lance’s eyes were cracked open and he squeezed Keith’s hand back gently. “I didn’t mean for it to go this way.”

Keith chuckled mirthlessly, “Good. Because if you had planned for _this_ then we would be having some serious fucking words.”

Lance smiled, “ _Language._ ”

Keith laughed for real, “Oh go fuck yourself McClain.”

Lance chuckled and looked around the room slowly. He took in Hunk and Shiro’s sleeping figures and frowned, “Where are the others? Is everyone ok?”

“Those two are sleeping, Allura and Coran were here, but must have slipped off somewhere.”

Lance squinted at his leader, “And where is Pidge?”

Keith hesitated slightly, “She is in a healing pod.”

“What?! Is she ok? I need to see her.” Lance started to push himself upright but collapsed backwards when his arms gave out.

“Slow down there sharpshooter. You aren’t going anywhere any time soon. Pidge will be fine.”

Lance frowned, “What happened? The last thing I remember is the new battlecruiser with the high powered ion cannon.”

“Right. Well, we formed Voltron, fought for _ages._ Pidge was injured just after we separated from Voltron to clean up the last of the ships. You almost got there in time, but the new canons fire faster than we expected. She took a hit, and it knocked her and Green out. We sent out a distress signal and an allied planet picked it up and sent out one of their hospital ships. We’re on board now with the Grentloo.”

Lance nodded but still looked confused, “Ok, but that doesn’t explain why I feel like I’ve gone 12 rounds with Sendak.”

Keith bit his lip, “You uh… During the fight, when we were in Voltron, you let Red take over fully. Your quintessence was almost totally drained as a result.” He looked up at Lance slowly, “You almost died Lance. We almost lost you.”

Lance was frozen. He couldn’t remember a damn thing past trying to fight with the muted mental link. He was trying to process everything when he went cold suddenly.

“Am I the reason we fell out of Voltron before all the ships were dealt with?”

Keith furrowed his brow, “Well, kinda, but-“

“Oh god. If I hadn’t been so damn reckless Pidge would be ok.”

Keith quickly put his hands up, “What? No! That’s not true at all! Lance, it might have happened anyway. These things happen sometimes!”

Lance was rapidly starting to panic, “But it happened this time because of me. Oh god. Is it my fault that the other two are unconscious in hospital beds too?”

Keith’s glance flicked over to the others, “Lance they are fine! They weren’t injured at all. We’re all just a little tired from donating quintessence –“

“WHAT?!” Keith began to look around in a panic, this was _so_ out of his ability, “Is THAT because of me too?! _Fuck!_ How much of a fuck up can one person fucking be?!”

Lance was flat on his back and hyperventilating when the alarms on the various monitoring machines began to go off, bringing in his nurse and a flustered looking Coran.

Coran took one look at the situation and crossed the room to grab Keith, “C’mon, Oohleyoo can look after Lance, let’s just give them some space for a second.”

Keith nodded dumbly and allowed himself to be pulled from the room.

Maybe he wasn’t so good at this leadership thing after all.


End file.
